Recovering From Heartbreak

“God sure spared you from that one”.

S.

These words ring true today just as they did three months ago when I heard them. I did not want to hear those words. Yet, the truth was it reminded me of the potentially life-changing mistake I could have made had I married him. That admission is gut-wrenching. Fortunately, this truth lovingly came from one of my beloved Sista-Friends and I believe she intended those words to celebrate my choice to end the relationship and not to judge me.

Confession: I knew he was not the one fifteen years ago. Throughout the over 20+ years I have known him, there were numerous accounts of distrust, betrayal, and heartache and yet I overlooked them. I swallowed my pride and remained blindly hopeful things would change.  I stayed in this relationship for two reasons – my friends liked him, and I got comfortable – I was accustomed to him being around.

Heartbreak is likely to occur from a dear friend, romantic partnership, spouse, employer – just about anyone with whom you have shared some form of trust.  When the trust is broken or betrayed, a rush of emotions come into play. Coming to terms with heartbreak is a pain we must experience. Pain is so much a part of the life experience. Once you are on this track, it cannot be avoided or quickly erased. A broken heart is the result of disappointments, unspoken expectations, and lies. Sadly, lying is one of human nature’s most used survival tactics. Think about it!  We lie to ourselves and to the other person. We lean in on the lie and remain with a mismatched partnership to avoid the alternative – being alone. The irony is outrageous! For many of us, we would willingly remain in a dysfunctional relationship versus being alone.

The greatest win is walking away and choosing not to engage in drama and toxic energy at all.

Lalah delia

Everyone will, at some point in their lives, experience heartbreaking moments in their lives. The time you devote to recovering and healing is personal and entirely up to you. The first step toward your recovery is admitting your choices and involvement in the situation or relationship. Think on the lies you’ve told yourself. Next step, commit to time alone for reflection and revelation. Assess your value. Reflect on your abilities and capacity to grow and evolve from the heartbreak. Throughout my journey toward healing, I reflected a great deal on my faith and spent daily time in prayer and reading the Scriptures. Those words encouraged me tremendously and reminded me that God was my Comforter.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

Psalm 147:3

The Good News: No matter the source of your heartbreak, God can repair your wounds.

To get you started ask yourself these questions.  Journal the responses as a record of your growth. You will be so glad you did.

1. What are the qualities – attributes you most like about yourself?
   • We tend to easily identify characteristics or physical attributes we like in other people before we can point out the special things we see in ourselves.
   • Take all the time you need to identify those things you love about yourself – your smile, your loyalty, your faith in humanity, etc. Your list can be as long as you want it to be. It’s your list!
2. Do you enjoy you?
   • Imagine what it would be like to befriend YOU.
   • Building a deep relationship with yourself inspires growing into your own skin.  You will begin to like everything about yourself – flaws and all – gap in your teeth, skinny legs, a loud laugh, long nose, pudgy cheeks – EVERYTHING.  You’ll be surprised some one is out there who will like those things too!
3. Are you able to spend time by yourself?
   • One of the best gifts you can give yourself is space and time by yourself.
   • Create an environment in your home – bedroom, kitchen or garden where you can enjoy being yourself. Very few can do this. Take a “time-out” from the hustle and bustle of the day and commit to quiet time alone – baking, cleaning, reading, organizing a closet, journaling, or whatever is most relaxing.  It is so worth it.

Recovering from heartbreak means taking the focus (and the power) away from the other person and devoting it to yourself.  You can remain angry, dwelling on the hurt or devote this energy into building and growing. Commit time to face the mirror and have transparent intimate conversations with your image. Confess out loud your insecurities, your biases, your fears, your hurts.  Allow yourself to hear yourself say the words.  Shed those ugly tears and purge that brokenness.  Learn who you are without all the “stuff”. And then, hand it over to God – “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.” Isaiah 43:18

The most heartbreaking thing you can do is to remain unaware of your constitution and ignore all you were created to be.

…now what, Linda