“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That’s why it’s important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are.”
Dr. Maya Angelou
Shout out to the late great Dr. Maya Angelou for this tremendous and profound observation of the human essence. The impact of her words and views did not become a part of my life until I was into my 40’s. Until then, I was getting slapped in the face with unexpected realities and disappointments from loved ones and friends. Since I learned it for myself, I have been happily coaching young and reminding more seasoned ladies of the truth of Dr. Maya Angelou’s words.
Teach one, reach one!
Recently, I became the soundboard for a bright, beautiful, married for 10 years mother of two in her 40’s. She shared she was laid off from her job of over 15 years; consequently, the loss of income would have a profound impact on her family. Even more unexpected was the possibility that she and her family may have to move. While dealing with the heartbreak and suddenness of this loss, she shared the news with her sweetheart. At first, his response was the canned acknowledgment, “everything is going to be alright.” This was an entirely noble and encouraging response to the situation, at first. Soon after, he took a more “bury his head in the sand” approach. When asked for his opinion and feedback on employment prospects, he shrugged and walked away. He did not offer any insight on making adjustments and changes in the household budget and expenditures, and consequently, she felt very alone in this crisis. In fact, as she was calling Verizon to change her phone plan and work out payment schedules for her children’s school and sports activities, her husband continued to spend and “use his money” to go on a fishing trip. He refused to consider the unpleasant facts from her vantage point, although they influenced their present situation. This crisis exposed his character as uncaring, uncooperative, and unreliable. Clearly not the character traits you want to have in a partner, spouse and friend. When speaking to her, I share my belief that God will present her with the perfect job and resume financial comfort for her family. Meanwhile, she struggles to feel appreciation and love as she lives out this crisis.
Sadly, this is an all too common scenario in relationships and marriages. In this case, it is not about the loss of the job or its replacement of income. It is a deeper and more visceral issue. One of the invested parties either buries their head in the sand, busies oneself in extra busy-ness, or simply denies the situation exists. Sometimes, these types of cases have played out well before the I Do’s. But we chose to remain in the relationship because of the other’s personality and not their character. Real talk…character is consistent. Once you’ve seen a certain behavior, chances are you will see it again.
Never before did it hit me until I started to examine the differences between one’s personality and one’s character. And there is a difference!
According to one source, Psychology Today provides a concise distinction between personality and character. “Personality is easy to read, and we’re all experts at it. We judge people as funny, extroverted, energetic, optimistic, confident, and overly serious, lazy, pessimistic, and shy—if not upon first meeting them, shortly soon after”.
Further more, “character, on the other hand, takes far longer to puzzle out. It includes traits that reveal themselves only in specific—and often uncommon—circumstances, traits like honesty, virtue, and kindliness”. I believe character traits, as opposed to personality traits, are based on beliefs (i.e., that honesty and treating others well is essential—or not). Though beliefs can be changed, it’s far more challenging when actions play out as the real truth.
Too often, we judge a person’s character by their appearance. (Oooooo, I have made that mistake more times than I want to admit.) Or we fall hopelessly in love with a person’s personality. I paid more attention to the way he made me feel versus how he behaved when the rubber met the road or when no one was looking. But the real test of a person’s character is during an adverse event that comes out of nowhere.
Everyone wants to find the right person ( I do!) But here is the secret sauce…reserve judgment and take. your. time. It takes time. Observe them in certain situations; look at how they react. Listen to them talking, joking, laughing, explaining, complaining, blaming, praising, ranting, and preaching. Only then will you be able to judge their character. I am not saying this is foolproof, but it will help decrease some of the reckless mistakes we make in our dating lives.
When the character of man (or woman) is in doubt, look at his friends.
Japanese proverb
Observe and ask the questions. Be honest and take note of what you learn and as my pastor says, RECEIVE IT.
- Is anger a frequent occurrence?
- Can you witness acts of kindness?
- How does this person take the blame?
- Quit relying on social media (Facebook, Instagram, Tik Toc, and others) to be the barometer for the type of person you want in your life.
- Read their emails and notes to you.
- Watch out for the show-offs.
- Look for evidence of their perseverance.
- Do they demonstrate empathy?
- Learn how they are socially interactive.
- Avoid toxic people.
- Ask others about what they see about this person.
With time, that person will “show you who they are, BELIEVE them the first time”. Please do not allow that person to keep repeating this behavior over and over and over again. You will get hurt, if you do.
Finally, before you go lay your head to rest, send a “thank you, Jesus” for Dr. Maya Angelou. I will.
…now what, Linda.
now what, Linda? 