If you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.
Thomas Jefferson
What makes this absolutely positively freaking amazing auntie’s day are the eye-opening conversations I have with my niece and nephew. They are of adult age and have such interesting perspectives on life and love. I believe the combination of Brooklyn’s grit and their mom’s practicality along with their own lived experiences makes for a witty blend of optimism and reality. Following one of these insightful interactions, my niece shared a frustration many young ladies in their 20’s share – where are the good men hiding? Following a long hearty laugh, I had to assure her there are ladies in their 40’s, 50’s and 60’s asking the same question.
But before I can begin to tackle that dilemma with her, I had to make this a teaching moment. So here are a few questions to her, you and I.
- Raise your hand if you’ve fumbled through relationships?
- Raise your hand if you’ve been more frustrated than fulfilled in your relationships?
- Raise your hand if your family and friends see something in your partner that you don’t see?
- Raise your hand if you discovered aspects of your partner’s character or personality that you would not go for at first or were not disclosed to you. Still, because you’ve been in the relationship for so long, you hesitate to break it off?
My friends, I raised my hands all four times! In one or more of my relationships, I have experienced these realities. So guess what…I, you, we are a part of the issue.
After cutting loose from my last long-term relationship, I committed to taking all the time I needed to purge, cleanse, focus and restore. Devoting this time was the best gift I (you) can ever give and receive. You know I love to write things down. So journaling these responses and revelations give me a written version of my truth. I read back to myself the stories, the facts of who I am. I hear the words of my likes, dislikes, pet peeves, insecurities, fears, joys, excitements, and even those things I am too lazy to tackle.
The first thing – shut off the distractions like TV and social media. It is amazing what my mind could imagine when it is not dazing off into the “boop tube .” Instead, I commit time to serious soul-baring – searching. I pursue uncovering characteristics worth keeping, deceptive and unhealthy personality traits, behavior patterns, and residual traces from past relationships. I conducted this type of autopsy for all my friends and family. Yes…family too!
A considerable and meaningful part of my soul journey was to answer transparently and honestly these two questions:
- Identify the top 5-10-15 aspects about myself that clearly define who I am?
- Identify the top 5-10-15 items / those non-negotiables that I require in a friendship, life partnership, and marriage?
Note: There are a lot of people out there who believe friendships and romantic relationships are similar. To some extent, they are; both types require boundaries, commitment, and work. Before you can enter the thrill of romantic love, you must have the assurance that you found your best friend. So let’s work on that first.
- A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. – Proverbs 18:24
- Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. – John 15:13
- Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
So, just a few observations I made of myself, which I believe if I were a gambling gal, are valid for you, as well.
- I / We really have a hard time speaking about ourselves.
- I / We struggle with answering the “who am I?” question.
- I / We have a hard time identifying those things that we deserve in a relationship.
I have come a long way from where I started in this exploration and I am still evolving and learning new things about myself. You will too! But for now, let’s tackle the three struggles above.
We are not hardwired to speak about ourselves because of the awkwardness of it all. Perhaps our self-esteem is lacking in “self”.
I was raised to not draw attention to myself. I was raised to be humble and meek, speak when spoken to, etc. My parents led me to believe that others would be drawn to me because of my hard work ethic, appearance, intelligence, politeness, confidence, etc. What that sounded like to me – I was doing a lot of waiting. I was on the sidelines waiting for someone who had similar interests or attractions to approach me. By the time I got to high school and dating age, there were no prospects. For a long time, working hard, being polite, kind, intelligent, and pretty was blurred by hundreds of other girls who were doing the same thing…well almost. While I followed the “good” girl rule, I had a fantastic revelation. I was going to “nudge” the process along. I started to laugh hard and not just a shy giggle, take on new interests, speak up, and hang out with my little sister; before long, the boys were coming along. I was brilliant, and I can play handball. I was polite, and I was in the Drama Club. I was humble and quoted hip-hop lyrics. By the time I graduated high school, I had authored my own identity and did away with the waiting. There were aspects of my personality which were appealing to female friends and romantic interests. Girls wanted to be just as daring and bold as I and men wanted to know more about me. But most importantly, I was building character which included my behavior and attitudes toward the things that life has and will throw at me. Believe me, when in life there are setbacks these help build character because you learn from your mistakes. My character and moral compass were being developed.
Who am I?
Ladies (and gentlemen), as we age, we begin to disbelieve our narrative. It doesn’t appear interesting enough; it lacks intrigue. We convince ourselves of the need to re-write our story because we are not hip enough or we have begun looking to our left and right. While I believe we need to periodically give ourselves a PR tune-up, we place great emphasis toward looking to others – celebrities, folks we admire, etc. in order that we have a template to mimic. To a very huge extent, we become copies of someone or something we think folks will like. So the truth is – are we ever really presenting our true authentic selves to the people we attract? And even if Price Charming did appear, we’re too busy liking, doing, saying, feeling, being – “Whatever you like.” “Whatever you do.” “Whatever you say.” “Whatever you feel.” “Whatever you be.” Where are you under all those “whatever you’s …?” Thank you “Coming to America” circa 1988 for that glaring reality of what I DO NOT want to BE.
Further, I was ear-hustling on a conversation my niece had with her girlfriend, and they were complimenting Lori Harvey, a social media influencer. These young ladies were hashtagging her #relationshipgoals as unique and spectacular. The truth is Lori Harvey’s love life gives all of us a lesson we can all learn about taking time to stretch our social circles, experiment, make mistakes, and, most of all, have fun! However, while I agree with expanding my social circles and making myself approachable to meeting new people, I am clear about another thing. I know who I am. I am flawed. If my desires are influenced by family traditions, social cues, and my own jaded passions, then chances are I am not making clear and healthy choices in my personal and dating relationship. This means I have to come clean with who I am and how I am to be received. I must be completely transparent with my expectations, take time to know the person, learn to do the “relating” before I imagine walking down the aisle. Finally, I have to turn inward and seek God’s wisdom (you can call it gut instinct) and determine whether this one is a keeper or not.
I deserve _________________ (fill in the blank) in this friendship, this family member, this girlfriend, this boyfriend, or this spouse?
Deserve is a hard word to speak. For the most part, we are aware of what we deserve for our learning, natural talents, labor, and what rewards and entitlements are in store. But rarely do we consider the non-negotiables deserving in a relationship—respect, boundaries, communication, support, trust, etc. (there are more and you determine those). No time is ever too long or too late when you believe your respect, boundaries, communication, support, or trust are betrayed. And even if 1 of these 5 essentials is breached, you can walk away. Eventually, the other necessities will be broken, and by then, you will feel too inclined to remain in the relationship.
Frankly, the truth of why many of us stay in the relationship is because we have consummated the union before thoroughly getting to know the person we are with. Sadly, we would instead shed our clothes and moral convictions a lot faster and sooner than exposing our faith or stance on building a friendship. Ladies (and gentlemen), if you are willing to lay sex down at the first draw of your hand, the rest of your hand risks the win. Further, I celebrate sexual revolution like the next gal but not at the expense of my peace of mind and heart. Even when I think that what I desire from this partner is sex and sex only, it will not be long before your heart becomes involved. There is no such thing as a sex buddy! Sex wires differently for men and women. Eventually, one or both of the parties will get “sprung”. If I am unwilling to seek God’s wisdom before I bed someone, why would I dare call on Him afterward when I’m in a jam or brokenhearted.
You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because your reality is finally better than your dreams.
Dr. Seuss
I have learned now more than ever before that I cannot rely on my own devices when it comes to choosing a relationship. I am not qualified to steer the ship exclusively when it comes to the relationship portion of my life. I need a co-captain or navigator, at best. The rocky-ness of this ship is entirely at the hand who guides. At best, I must be prepared to steer. I must know who I am and communicate it effectively. Give the other person the time to see me, hear me, experience me just as God has created. I must remain unapologetic about my choices and not allow anyone or anything get in the way of getting to learn my new friend. I defer to the One who is the lover of my soul and who wants what’s best for me. He is the One who has created me exactly who I am and knows what’s best. As He is the architect, why would I not turn to Him to reveal the right person for my life? I defer to this same philosophy in developing all my relationships. Take time out from all the stuff and get to like you. Give yourself time to love on you. Devote time to love on Jesus and allow Him to love on you. I promise you, the other love will come.
…now what, Linda.
now what, Linda? 