Preserve me O God, for in You I put my trust
Psalm 16:1
Hello. My name is Linda and I am a recovering control freak.
Back in the day, I was live and in charge! I took over every situation and created what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted. It did not matter who, what, where, why, or how; the goal was for me to take care of it. The results: I was exhausted, stressed out, and alone.
It has been well over 25 years now and boy have I learned my lesson. Frankly, I am not interested in being in control and wearing myself thin. My focus is to live in joy and with PEACE OF MIND. Therefore, when I take notice that this behavior is trying to rear its ugly head, I actively put those defects to the test. By this I mean, I question whether the specific ‘control’ characteristic will either hinder or enhance my personal growth, relationships, friendships, career, health, finances, service to others, etc. I write the questions, and I write the answers. What I have noticed over the years is that a considerable part of my successes and failures are wrapped up in my approach to the dreaded “C” word – control.
Consider that many of your qualities (my qualities) are generational, based on culture, life experiences, and environment. My parents have profoundly impacted the evolution of my personality, and no one more than my mother. I tell everyone, “My mom, for better and for worse, is the reason I am the woman I am today. ” Yes, I am sure you’ve read those words in Mother’s Day greeting cards. For many of you, it may be a good thing. But for me, Mother’s Day is THE. MOST. challenging day for me. Sadly, Hallmark has no cards for daughters who are struggling to overcome the damage of a controlling mother. I recognize now that my mother made it almost impossible to let go of taking over a situation. I am consumed with memories of critical moments in my life when my mom took away my chance to figure it out when I was good and ready to figure it out. The alternative was her creating the drama that would define my comings and goings. These tactics determined which choices I would make. She established how I functioned and operated with school, athletics, and personal pursuits. My mother not only wielded her command of the situation, but she also critiqued my efforts and reminded me of how often I failed. I grew up paranoid and unforgiving of myself for failing. I amassed points for being super intelligent, athletic, funny, friendly, and respectful to others. Yet, I would still fall short. My mom made sure she reminded me when I did.
This is not about disparaging my mom. I love and honor her dearly. But this is about taking an authentic look at the controlling features she possessed, which she unknowingly bequeathed to me. While as a child, I could not combat this pattern; I am an adult who is responsible for the choices I make to manage my controlling behavior. I am aware of my inheritance, and I am intent on making significant changes. So ladies and gentlemen, if you have found yourself in a similar predicament, I invite you to join my Controllers Be Damned (CBD) group. As part of this elite society, you are asked to not only acknowledge your control freakdom – whether inherited or learned, BUT you must unlearn this behavior. You, too can live in joy and have PEACE OF MIND.
According to mental and behavior specialists, there are 12 signs of a controlling personality. They begin with blaming others, constant criticism, isolation, keeping score, creating drama, intimidation, gaslight others, moodiness, don’t take ‘no’ for an answer, ignoring boundaries, unreasonable jealousy, and attempts to change others. You can clearly identify when any of these behaviors are directed to you. Can you recognize those cases when you act out these behaviors unto others?
Control is connected to anxiety and fear. People act out their controlling behavior in an attempt to feel at peace. The control freak does not trust anyone else to handle things the way they will. Someone who is “controlling” tries to control circumstances to an unhealthy extent or tries to control other people. A person may try to maintain a situation by placing themselves in charge and doing everything themselves. I know you can see it. The irony is while controlling individuals are attempting to orchestrate and control peace, none of their behaviors are peaceable; in fact, they are far from it.
Some truths about fear.
- Fear serves no purpose.
- Fear is an empty emotion and generates zero results.
- Fear is not of God.
For some, once fear and anxiety rise to the surface, eating a pint of Haagen-Dazs may do the trick. When the Past Due Notice comes in the mail, many may grab a bottle of bourbon or some drug of choice. If marriages are under the pressure of breaking up, perhaps porn, extramarital affairs, or silence may alleviate the growing tension. Struggles with our kids, co-workers, or neighbors may cause tension and anxiety and we are all looking for something or someone to ease the stress from the immediate issue. For many who are struggling with control, anxiety, and fear they are seeking all kinds of “quick fixes” to help satiate the anxiety. Many people look to friends and family to find their “fix”. Sadly on many occasions the ice cream, the alcohol, the friends, the drugs, and the food may offer a temporary and minor ease of the situation but it will not bring you peace of mind, much less eliminate the problem. I have eaten my way through tons of pints of cookies and cream and drank my share of alcohol in some attempt to calm my fears and control the situation. The numbness was temporary. My troubles were still in front of me no matter what I did. Believe me…it did not work.
I had to do something different. For me, my faith was a much more enduring and sustaining resolution to the things I feared and wanted to control. I had to go back to the foundation of my faith. That was found in prayer and reading what the Bible had to say about what I was going through when it came to my control issues or when things are simply out of my hands to control.
More than love, obedience, hope, faith, and money, there are more references to fear than any other concept. In fact, depending on the Bible version, there are almost 200 – 400 references on the idea of fear. ‘Fear not’ is one of the most repeated commands in Scripture. Yet, we fear all the time. Why? Because control freaks don’t know about trust. Control freaks operate in fear and anxiety. Control freaks cannot accept the idea that someone other than themselves can take care of the situation.
My lightbulb moments:
- Learn to accept the reality that I don’t know everything.
- Identify who I can trust.
- There is just no way that I can outdo what God has already done or will ever do. My arms are way too short!
A few tips on how to Relax, Relate and Release your fear & control:
- Acknowledge immediately the moment you want to change a situation.
- Breathe deeply and exhale slowly.
- Close your eyes and study, dream, and envision the following words:
No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him. I Corinthians 2:9 (New Living Translation)
- BELIEVE those words.
Surrender the situation, the person, the bill, the fear, the worry, the stress, the whatever it is and say these words out loud, if you need to,
‘Lord, You take care of this situation. My eyes have not seen, my ears have not heard, my mind cannot imagine what You have in store for me in this situation. You take it from my hands and handle it.
I guarantee your tension will decrease dramatically.
Trust is earned when actions meet words. God has more than earned your trust through His actions. It is about time to return the deed. Make it your choice to trust God!
A few other encouraging words from my FAVORITE Psalm 27
1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
so why should I be afraid?
The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
so why should I tremble?
2 When evil people come to devour me,
when my enemies and foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
3 Though a mighty army surrounds me,
my heart will not be afraid.
Even if I am attacked,
I will remain confident.
…now what, Linda.
now what, Linda? 