“Great achievement is usually born of great sacrifice, and is never the result of selfishness.”
Napoleon Hill
I have made many sacrifices in my life. I’ve witnessed others make sacrifices, as well. I have used my love for the guy as the barometer for how willing I was to sacrifice for him in my romantic relationships. I’ve sacrificed personal relationships to get ahead in my career and education. I sacrificed my family relationship to achieve sanity and success 3,000+ miles across the country. I watched my brother sacrifice his youth and college pursuits to look after our mother. I witnessed my sister sacrifice sleep and well-being to ensure there was food on the table and a home for her babies. I witnessed my parents sacrifice their personal happiness to make sure we came from a two-parent household as educated, respectful, and contributing members of society. No matter the sacrifice, it gives way to our control and how much of ourselves we are willing to surrender. I refer to this as the comfort factor. Depending on who you speak to, each of us will tell you our sacrifices were meaningful and significant. Yet, we could not tell you whether we were sacrificing as an act of our duty or the selfless love for the other.
I have watched parents take a bullet for their child or go to the ends of the earth to protect their child. And I believe in those instances, there is genuine love there. However, there is always a time to pay up. The price for some adult children may seem just too high a price to pay. Eventually, every act of sacrifice will end with profound disappointments somewhere down the line.
I believe our sacrifices fall flat because there is no noble intent in them. We struggle to define the motive behind the sacrifices. I’m certain I am not alone when I say my parents had vivid ideas of what they wanted their children to achieve. Based on our personalities, I was the brilliant corporate attorney. My sister was the compassionate doctor, and my baby brother was the business tycoon. What picture-perfect idealist futures were drawn for us! From the time I was bouncing on his knee up until I was 15 years old, this daddy’s little princess was going to be a lawyer. So, I know it broke my daddy’s heart when I chose not to pursue a career in law. As far as he was concerned, it was a personal affront to him and a disrespect of his sacrifices. Becoming an attorney was his dream for me. Apparently, my choice was not a factor.
Sadly, like many parents, they believe their children living out their dreams is out of appreciation for all the sacrifices they made for us. While I wish to make my parents happy and proud, how are my choices for fulfillment and purpose nullify their sacrifices? Again, I believe their sacrifices were duty-bound, conditional, and transaction-based. It’s the IF-THEN condition. If I become an attorney then my parents are proud. Let the record show, I am not an attorney by profession, but I sure show up in a pinch to defend or prosecute on behalf of my family whenever needed.
Hindsight is 20-20; I often ask myself would my parents be happy with me if I did get that law degree? Sure they would be, but I doubt they would consider whether I would be content. For many parents, duty is the driving factor toward sacrifice. It far outweighs the selfless love and personal choices of their children. Further, I believe this a generational issue yet to be resolved. I have watched my peers go into deep depression and years of therapy to come through the other side of trying to meet their parents’ expectations. Parents who have adorned their expectations for their children as sacrifices on their behalf. Then these children grow up guilted into believing their parents’ sacrifices will in some way justify the misery ahead.
I’m reminded of one of my personal favorite films in 1967, “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner,” with the great Sydney Poitier and acting legends – Spencer Tracey and Katherine Hepburn. The film’s backdrop was the inherent issue of interracial marriage, which was still illegal up to that time. It was still illegal in 17 states—mostly Southern states—until June 12, 1967, six months before the film was released. The underlying theme, however, included the levels of sacrifices parents, children, friends, or associates will make in the context of race, religion, politics, money, etc. (sound familiar?)
The young couple, central to the film, are seemingly well-adjusted, successful people and represent two distinct races – he an African American and she a Caucasian. Both were raised in two-parent homes, educated, hardworking, and aware of their world. Yet, their parents had expectations for their adult children in response to the sacrifices each had made for them. Throughout the film, each set of parents are “guilt-ing” their respective children into changing their minds. There is a poignant scene that brings me to tears no matter how many times I have seen it. There is a dialogue between Sydney Poitier’s character, Dr. John Prentice, and his father, Mr. Prentice, a retired postal worker.
In the context of a Black man warning his son of the challenges of marrying a White woman and identifying the countless number of challenges that lie ahead, Mr. Prentice is up against the wall. There appears to be nothing more that he can say to convince his educated esteemed son to change his mind, thus resorting to stress the sacrifices he and his mother have made. And here is an adult child’s response:
Dr. John Prentice: What do you think you've been doing? You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got...and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing. If you carried that bag a million miles... you did what you were supposed to do... because you brought me into this world... and from that day you owed me... everything you could ever do for me, Like I will owe my son... if I ever have another. But you don't own me. You can't tell me when or where I'm out of line... or try to get me to live my life according to your rules. You don't even know what l am, Dad. You don't know who l am, how I feel, what I think. And if I tried to explain it the rest of your life, you would never understand. You are years older than I am. You and your whole lousy generation... believes the way it was for you is the way it's got to be! And not until your whole generation has lain down and died... will the deadweight of you be off our backs! You understand? You've got to get off my back. Dad. You're my father. I'm your son. I love you. I always have and I always will But you think of yourself as a colored man. l think of myself...as a man.
I imagine after all the parents watching this film in 1967 collectively picked their jaws up from the floors, they had to admit there was truth. Sacrifice has little to do with sentimentality, guilt, or giving up control. It has everything to do with the selfless depth of one’s love for the other. I contend, the fearless pursuit of our purpose and hope aligns with those who expect nothing more than our best.
This weekend, as we celebrate the death, burial, and resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, we witness the ultimate sacrifice. There is no greater sacrifice that He laid down His life for mine and yours. This sacrifice was without condition or a clause found in the fine print but based on the depth of His steadfast selfless love for us. And just as it’s been for all of us, this sacrifice was tough, scary, and painful.
For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16
I recall one Vacation Bible School class when the teacher defined love as the sacrificial giving of oneself for the benefit of another. As a child, I didn’t make the connection between sacrifice as an act of my love. In fact, I believed my sacrifice was an act of duty. For example, I sacrificed hanging out with friends so I may continue to train. I had to do this to win competitions, not necessarily because I LOVED any particular sport.
It has been my prayer that what I sacrifice for my family and friends is in direct connection with what God expects me to do. The return on the sacrifices comes from Him and no one else. My choices and their judgments are between God and me. At best, we are custodians and managers of our bodies, gifts, skills, family, friends, jobs, money, time, etc. How we steward these things are what will bring us the best joy. We succeed in our purpose-driven lives not for ourselves but for others. Those sacrifices are freeing and are an expression of gratitude versus duty. When I consider the depth of love God has for me, I always consider the depth of His sacrifice. “In this love, not that we loved God but that He loved us (me) and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our (my) sins”. – I John 4:10 What makes it all the more valuable is He still gives me/us a choice to either return the love or not. That decision to accept His sacrifice is personal.
When I look back over my life, I believe every success and failure has been a blessing for someone else to witness and from which to be inspired. In my youth, I have felt obligated by duty, my being the eldest, being the girl, or being the protective one in order to justify my sacrifices. But eventually, I learned that sacrifice was an active pursuit from turning from mistrust to trust. Trusting is so liberating. It allows me to sacrifice freely trusting that there are no conditions connected. Think about those things that bring you fulfillment and joy and how they can bless someone else. I promise you those good and perfect things are from God. Your sacrifices to achieve those precious goals will be far more meaningful and free from guilt, burden, and disappointment. The sacrifice will be worth it.
…now what, Linda.
now what, Linda? 