“I promised my mom and dad I’d never put them in a nursing home.”
Millions of Adult Children
For as long as I can remember, my mom has always had an extremely compromised health system. Ailments related to her pulmonary, cardiac and skeletal systems have plagued her. For over 40 years, her declining health had been a quiet secret we kept amongst my siblings and a few of our closest friends who showed concern for us. As part of our caring for her, it often dictated where and how we lived, in the event we had to drop everything to be by her side to act as a medical proxy. Personally, I planned my vacations around whether she was healthy or not. It became a family joke that if my mom was going to get sick it, she would schedule it around my annual trips to NYC. After we stopped laughing we started to realize there was truth; I was either taking my mom to the hospital or in the waiting room in the month of May.
As a shared effort between my sister, brother and I, we took turns having our mom live with one of us for shortened or extended periods of time because she simply can not live on her own. Admittedly being on the west coast while the rest of my family was on the east coast made more sense for my sister and brother to be more hands-on with her care. While I did not build up as much sweat equity as my siblings did, my contribution was more financial and administrative. I felt assured that each of us was taking on a comfortable load in looking out for our mom.
One of my dearest personal friends, is handling a similiar situation. She is committed to keeping her mom at her home along with her children. In addition to being a mom involved in her children’s schooling and extra-cirricular activities, she is also balancing doctor appointments and procedures. Another commonality to our stories is we both have very vocal and opinionated mothers who are excellent at driving us to our child-like states. We are educated, self-sufficient adults who immediately regress to 12 years old when it comes to confronting our moms with the tough issues or questions. Ironically, they rely on us so heavily and yet have a way of guilting us into a tizzy. YIKES!
Take it from me, senior care is one of the toughest and most stressful jobs you’ll ever have; more so, if the senior is your mom or dad. Since 2014, my mom has been living with my baby brother, wife and family. As primary caregivers everyone is impacted. The entire family has to exercise the strictest time management and social activities are practically non-existent. Family time has been scheduled around doctors appointments, hospital stays, picking up medications, and regular monitoring of her daily activities. While very verbal, we cannot rely on her short term memory. She may or may not remember taking a certain medication or taking them before or after a meal. No matter how much we want to show our devotion to “family taking care of family”, we slowly have come to terms with the reality that we love her too much to not consider alternative care options for her.
This is the story of our mom. This may or may not be your situation. Nevertheless, I offer you this guide to help determine the seriousness of your situation. Next steps:
- Serious evaluation and assessment of your loved one’s care is necessary.
- Dare to ask the questions that may impact the type of longterm care your loved one truly needs.
Things to Consider:
The two most important factors in establishing a care plan for your aging parent to consider are emotional & financial. As an adult, you must become completely aware of your feelings concerning the topic of caring for your aging parent. Whether you choose to move your parent into your home or into an assisted or more comprehensive facility, please acknowledge the reality of your present situation and its associated costs.
Reality Check: Know your limitations. I am not gifted in the areas of compassion and mercy. My sister was the best of us in that area. She was the one with whom my mother spent most of her time. I am far more effective speaking with doctors and handling the business affairs. I’ve also become great at negotiating and sharing the care plan with my mom. However, I have become frustrated with myself because I allow my emotions of my mom’s decline get in the way. Believe me, I’ve cried far more over this part of my mom’s life than in anything else.
Tip #1: Stop the cycle of guilt and anger and be careful about how you ask for help.
Reality Check: Denial is not a river in Egypt. The mantra for many families including mine is “family takes care of family”. All of us agreed that we would marshal all our resources to ensure that we would not have to send our mom to an assisted living facility or nursing home. In fact, because she was so vocal about her care, I believed she was ok enough to remain at home with her son, wife and grandchildren. But if a tree falls in the forest and you can’t hear it, did it fall? YES it did! My mom was tripping over herself, losing sense of balance, and then unaware of how and when she fell. This made us super nervous. When anyone returned from home or school, we had to scan and check for new bruises. Considering medical professionals are mandated reporters, we had to be sure to identify each black and blue so as to not be be misconstrued as elder abusers. The tension was palpable and felt on all sides. My brother was getting more and more frustrated as my mom, more often than not, be unable to explain a new bruise on her legs. Honestly, except for the times when I physically had my mother with me for lunch or a drive, I don’t believe they have had any relief from looking out for mom. No one has been able to give my brother and “seester ” a break from being ON all the time.
Tip #2: If it becomes increasingly difficult or unsafe to provide hands-on care for your older adult, time to reassess their care needs.
Reality Check: Even though I was not the primary caretaker, I was experiencing considerable stress and anxiety over my ability to continue to provide the financial support my mom would need. In addition to subsidizing much needed medication or paying for other supplemental expenses, I was trying to be helpful to my brother and his family, and take plane trips to visit her, etc. With those travel and expenses adding up, I was feeling less adequate in contributing to her care. Slowly but surely, I felt overwhelmed, insecure in my ability, and not liking who I had become. I was in a negative place, and I had to acknowledge it’s not possible to care for my mom in the calm and positive manner she needed.
Tip #3: Acknowledge quickly your feeling resentful, emotionally drained, or chronically tired
I have heard of parents building a college fund for their children but did not consider building a longterm senior care fund for my aging mom. As aware as I was of my mom’s condition, I did not imagine anything beyond a bereavement plan. Which means for many of us, if your aging parent does not have an adequate life insurance policy, pension, veteran benefits, or nest egg of some sort, the expenses add up quickly and will fall on you and your family. Depending on what state you live or the type of medical insurance and benefits available, it will definitely influence the options you will have for your loved one’s continued care.
Different Types of Eldercare. There are many options to choose from. It will require a great deal of reading but I promise it will be worth to know all the options on hand.
Get paid for being a caregiver. There are programs for paying children to care for their aging parents.
Financial Assistance in Your State. 50-State Analysis of Eldercare Costs, Payment Options & Financial Assistance
Understand Your Financial Options for Long Term Care. There are all kinds of guidelines for Medicaid, Medicare Supplement Plans, Veteran’s Benefits, Social Security, and other Financial Products.
Seek council from doctors and senior care professionals. Pray. Listen. Read. Do the research. Make the decision and please do not doubt yourself. Remember your decision is what works for you, the family and loved one. There are no cookie cutter plans or answers. I have sat down with my legal pad and pen and taken the notes. Now I have to sell the plan to my mom and my family. Pray for me! Next major reality check – no matter the medical justification and whether finances are in place there is a big chance there is a waiting list for available beds and services. There is always someone in worse shape than my mom. In the meantime, we have had to tap into other services like respite care and adult day care services. All this means – we are becoming more and more creative about how we care for our mom. ASK God for peace and options!!
Things to Consider
Below are a few other resources I have found incredibly helpful in helping to make an intelligent decision.
Legal Documents – Medical Directives, Power of Attorney for Healthcare and HPPA Release and another for Finances, Living Trust or Will
A Planning Guide for Families – AARP provides a very comprehensive Prepare to Care guide
Big shout out to the Paying For Senior Care website. This site provided the tip of the iceberg of many other resources out there. Other resources included AARP and A Place for Mom. Please do your research before making an informed decision.
…now what, Linda.
now what, Linda? 