There are “friends” who destroy each other,
Proverbs 18:24 (New Living Translation)
but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.
Our lifestyles actually work against establishing lasting friendships that stand the test of time and experience. In the midst of work, cooking dinner, homework duty, carpooling, and/or getting our taxes done, people are missing out on the truest kinds of friendships. Social media platforms have made it worse. However, when a love-based friendship can bloom from the concrete of life, I celebrate it. These friendships are worth honoring and holding dear. They are gifts and they are special. I dedicate this post to my closest and dearest – my tribe. In honor of my tribe, this is going to be a 2-part series.
This week’s post is inspired by a couple of things:
I was reading I Samuel 18 – 20 (NTL) and the story of the bond of friendship between Jonathan and David. Backstory: Young David is the appointed and anointed future king and Jonathan is the son of the current ruler, King Saul. King Saul’s jealousy and growing animosity toward David was a driving force for David’s many attempts to run away and hide from possible death. Of course, Jonathan is aware of what his father is trying to do, risks his position and life, and yet steps forward to offer his assistance and protect David from certain death. The story does not include all the subtle nuances of how their friendship developed but it is left to our sanctified imaginations to factor in a few considerations.
- David did not seek out the friendship with Jonathan.
- The bond of friendship did not occur after Jonathan protected David; the bond occurred in spite of the danger David was in.
- The bond of their friendship was an act of free will. These two young men chose to make a pact and be bonded in friendship for this and future generations.
Put a pin on these points as you consider the type of friend you are.
Later that day, one of my dearest friends sends me an Instagram photo of a special day in my life three years ago when I graduated with my Masters. She was there to witness this moment and celebrate the joy of the journey. And as I reminisced over that day, I also recalled a special day in her life when she said “I do” to her beloved in that same month three years ago. We can smile and rejoice in the wonderfulness of our experiences. And up until April 2018, we also can attest to the many conversations, concerns, worries, disappointments, and anxieties connected to our respective journeys. We have invested in each other the time, support, and tears. The fact is we were there for each other then as we are there for each other now. Our friendship is sealed.
So allow me to confess that I learned about friendships when in my 20’s. As a matter of fact, I was discouraged from making friends as a child because, “they’re only good for taking the last dollar out of your pocket.” Simultaneously, I was living out the “ride or die” street rules of Brooklyn. Don’t snitch. Don’t lie. Don’t cry. Don’t let nobody see you sweat. Have your sister’s or brother’s back like 4 flats. Duck no smoke. I carried out those commandments throughout my teens. I believe it is what developed my strength of character in areas of loyalty. This loyalty has been my blessing and my curse.
1 : a person who has a strong liking for and trust in another person. 2 : a person who is not an enemy friend or foe. 3 : a person who helps or supports something She was a friend to environmental causes.
Merriam-Webster
https://www.merriam-webster.com › dictionary › friend
I had my posses. Girls with whom I would go to the club. Folks with whom I study. I had teammates. Acquaintances, at best who kept me company. I didn’t let anyone know my hand. I compartmentalized folks just as easily as I did for every other aspect of my life. I lived this guarded existence for a very long time. That was until I met Ivonne. Up until then, I did not realize how lonely I was without someone in whom I could confide. She was a receptionist at a pre-school, one of the part-time jobs I had while in college. I didn’t see her at first but I heard her. She had a refined accent that most Puerto Ricans claim they don’t have; but they do. It has to do with how we extra-annunciate our words so we don’t sound unschooled. She was telling somebody to go somewhere (wink wink). She was sitting behind the desk when I approached her. She smiled. I smiled. From that moment on, we became inseparable. Almost instantly Ivonne and I were friends. Over time, we learned our stories, families, dreams, heartaches, and everything in between. She invited me into her world. It included her adorable son, family, and friends. She was my go-to person for all things I wanted to share and I was her’s. What I most appreciated about her was she served in the Navy. Therefore, her presence and comportment was strong and just as tough as mine. She was my equal. I respected how organized and focused she was about what she wanted to achieve. Like me, she did not make excuses. She didn’t talk about it – she was about it! She set her mind on something and she made it happen. My best memories of us was when we laughed. And it was usually laughing at ourselves after doing something silly – like burp in the middle of a sentence. She really taught me how to laugh at myself and not take myself too seriously. I felt safe with her. Even after I moved to Los Angeles, she was one of the people who I go visit when I made my way to New York. She flew out to LA to be in my wedding and was the second person I called (after the lawyer) to tell her it ended. She relocated to Puerto Rico to be with her ailing mom. Ivonne is still such a huge part of me even after 34 years. We have lost touch recently because life happens. But more often than not, I think of her and have every intention of reconnecting with her.
The base definition of a friend for most of us is someone who is there for us, and whom we’re there for in return.
BetterHelp (online advice)
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/friendship/define-friend-a-good-understanding-of-the-friend-definition
My move to Los Angeles was spontaneous. I did not know anyone. I became acquainted with my work peers and made myself reliable. My reputation, it seemed, I was guarded and quiet until someone approached me. If and when someone dared to step to me, I would open up and expose a part of myself. It may have been perceived as a protective shield. The truth was I was ignorant of how to meet new people and shied away from the possibility of rejection. Finally, at the elevator bank of an office building, I met my next new friend, Renee. I was waiting for an elevator and thought pressing the button a few more times (with an attitude) would get the car to my floor faster. She apparently found that funny and giggled. We both entered the elevator strangers and exited as reformed compadres. From that time on, we were connected through food, music, movies, boyfriend drama, and work issues. I experienced the best of the 90’s with her. Though she was a few years older, I admired her youthful spirit and how advanced she was in the game called life. We shared all of our spare time together. We treated ourselves to fine restaurants, shopping, as well as exchanging our family dilemmas. We were so close, at one point I moved into an apartment across from her. We were able to actually look into each other’s living room’s. She met my boyfriends and gave me her opinions of them whether solicited or not. We have traveled together and enjoyed each other’s company as any two great friends can. One of her greatest gifts was her ability to look at me and know exactly what I was thinking. In retrospect, it was more about my unavoidable poker face. Admittedly, there was nothing discrete about my facial expressions. Thanks to Renee, I have since learned to tame (a little bit) this particular inclination. I am still under construction.
13 There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me. 16 You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. 17 This is my command: Love each other.
John 15:13 – 18 (New Living Translation)
We have all heard the saying – church folks can do more harm than good. During my time in Los Angeles, I was invited to a budding church with thousands of people like me who were spiritually hungry. Weekly, I would stand on line to await my turn to cross the threshold and hearken to hear what God had to say through the Pastor. As I became a regular attendant and member, it became clear I was a novelty. A bright new shiny toy amongst the congregation. Through divine providence, I accepted a position at the church as one of its administrators. It was one of the most fulfilling and strenuous experiences ever! It was there that I learned that “the work” is not the problem it is the people with whom you work and serve. It was in the Church that I received a thorough teaching and understanding of friendship.
During that season, I realized many people approached me, whether to ask questions, feel me out, or genuinely get to know who I am. Because I hid behind my strong work ethic, I believed, at the time, that was all anyone needed to know. I managed my press and shared only the minor things I wanted to let others know of me. Little by little, I learned the hard way to not be so presumptuous nor walk around with an inflated image of myself. I was so guarded, I operated on instinct exclusively as it related to getting to know people. Rule #1: If you’re in the people business or seeking friends, you cannot allow instinct to cloud judgement. Taking the time to learn people will alert you to the reality that there are far more familiarities than there are differences.
Another lesson learned, people will enter your life for short and long seasons. Some dear friends are life long and then there are those that last only a few months. I have had some amazing friendships that started out of a need that was met at the moment. One special friendship emanated from her offering her sofa to sleep on for the night. Her generosity was unexpected and heartfelt. Almost immediately thereafter, she was telling me she had to move out of state to care for family. Nevertheless, the intimacy of that friendship remains just as memorable. Rule #2: Time is not the determining factor of your true and dear friendships.
Good friends respect you. Every now and then, I ask myself – do my friends disregard my feelings and treat them as though they do not matter? Most importantly, do I mishandle my friends and their feelings? If this is the case in either scenario, chances are your friends don’t respect you and you do not respect them. Respect is one of the building blocks of a great friendship. Rule #3: Never, never, never – lower your standards to accommodate friends unworthy of your respect.
I don’t seek out friends. My nature prevents me from taking those risks. On the other hand, I have witnessed first hand how daring to say hello or to give a smile (with no intention of gaining a friend) may have been exactly what that person needed at the time. From that moment, that person stepped forward to offer their hand and heart in friendship to me. There is a “daring” aspect to becoming a friend to someone. You dare to step in the gap. You dare to be the soundboard to thoughts and ideas you may not always agree with. There is a risk involved in standing with a friend at the toughest of times. You may recall occasions when standing with your friend during a difficult time may have put your own life at risk. As a friend, you are putting your reputation, character and perhaps life, on the line. As a friend, you are vouching for the other, in the hope that what you say or do may benefit them. You may end up taking figurative and literal “bullets” for your friends. Are you willing to do that for your friend? The real question – are your friends willing to do that for you? Dare I use the word? Sacrifice. Yes, friends sacrifice for one another. Rule #4: Friends give of themselves without expectations; completely for the benefit of the other.
Friends offer balance to our lives. I was reminded recently by one of my dearest friends that friendships worth holding on to require investment of time. The time you spend with a friend is not about you; it’s about them and what they need. I struggle with this concept. Personally, I am not the friend who calls on them everyday. Nor am I the friend who requires a call from anyone everyday. However, I am the friend who is present and supportive once they call. So, for the most part, I am attracting and maintaining friendships which are comfortable to me. When I was confessing this struggle with him, his response was to expose the imbalance in many friendships. In most cases, one friend is showing themselves to be more of a friend over the other. Extend balanced reciprocity of time and commitment to the friendship. Rule #5: Reflect “friendship” in the way they want and need.
I am still learning about the beauty of friendships. They are important because friends act as witnesses to your life. They are to me! I actually can pinpoint parts of my life when a new friend entered my life. Like a song, a friend can help define the moment and imprint them into your memory. Without friends, my life would be boring and uneventful but I will admit not all friendships are worth my time; some are worth dying to keep and others only lead to disappointment, regret, and sorrow. My friendships are a reflection of my character. It is the knitting of two souls – yours and theirs. Take time to assess the souls in your life. Identify the friends who deserve more of your time and commitment. Clean out your “friend” box of those who are draining you versus refreshing your friendship tank.
…now what, Linda
now what, Linda? 