It seems I am not the only person who celebrates their “ride or die” friends and friendships in their lives. As I am putting the finishing touches on this post, I am grinning from ear to ear. I received so many compliments for Part 1 of this series from readers as well as comments and stories of how folks got together and became friends. In addition, friendships became more intimate and essential during this last year. The COVID-19 pandemic compelled all of us to take inventory of our friendships. During our assessments we had to make a few tough choices – either to keep or cancel ’em. Thank you so much! You invited me into your safe place and sharing your experiences. It is special and I hold them dear.
One common denominator from many of the friendship stories I heard – they may have begun on a social media platform but they were not maintained on social media. I don’t care who you tell (smile), deeply meaningful friendships can not sustain on Facebook or Instagram. Social media is a tool. Yet, the world has served up a lie that colloquial expressions, as found on our social platforms, lead folks to believe they have friends. At best, you have followers who are more than likely following others. Yes, I am going to confess my love-hate relationship with social media when I say it has annihilated the sweet and genuine process of connecting and building meaningful and deeply-rooted friends and friendships. Yet, this same tool has served its purpose to bring new ideas, music, news, and comedic taglines at one’s fingertips faster than you can type http://www.yournewspaperofchoice.com. Old high school and college classmates are reacquainted, lost family members have been reunited, and I have heard, in some cases, love blossomed and bloomed from the start of a Facebook post. It is in those instances in which I am grateful and proud that relationships – whether of the friend or romantic kind, can begin.
Yet, our ever-trending society celebrates the achievement of accumulated “likes”. Millions of followers on Instagram can make a celebrity, keep celebrity names on everyone’s radar, and resurrect careers. Personally, Instagram feeds our voyeuristic inclinations. We anxiously await the next post from “fill in the blank” to see what he or she is wearing, eating, saying, visiting or doing. I have observed people use Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, and IG to spread hate speech, showcase civic and social brutalities, and other forms of hurtful images and messaging. These social media platforms have encouraged fearless attempts at attracting “likes” or followers to show support or further encourage thoughts and behaviors. Young ladies and gentlemen are posting these images to gain attention. And as we all know there is good and bad attention. Sadly, there have been terrible instances when these postings end badly because predators are awaiting the foolish attempts of folks who are just crying out for attention. Oh how I wish they had a friend who can tell them – “you don’t have to do that to be my friend.” Let’s be clear – posting vacation shots and sharing recipes are fine but these do not connect and make more intimate the truest of friendships.
Confession: One of the most memorable (and the one time I heard myself say out loud, “Thank God for Instagram”), was back in March 2020. America was knee-deep in COVID-19 casualties and she needed a distraction. In comes my native New Yorker and DJ, D-Nice to the rescue. He began hosting Homeschool at Club Quarantine on Instagram Live from his home as a way for people to come together and help others cope with the COVID-19 global health crisis. That Saturday night dance party ran 9 hours and D-Nice urged people to “take care of one another and wash their hands.” It drew over 100,000 viewers, including Rihanna, Lenny Kravitz, Nile Rodgers, Lalah Hathaway, Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, Dwyane Wade, Janet Jackson, Fab Five Freddy, Michelle Obama, Mark Zuckerberg, Donnie Wahlberg, Angela Bassett and Sheila E. among others. The following day, March 22, his stream capped at over 150,000 simultaneous viewers. Since then, D-Nice has regained world acclaim including honors at the 2020 BET Awards and Entertainer Of The Year at the 52nd NAACP Image Awards. Side note: Not since 1986 and the beginnings of Boogie Down Productions and KRS-One and his albums in 1990 (Call Me D-Nice, which I have) and 1991, was I aware of what he was doing. Instagram availed him a platform and he used this tool to bring music and message together. Kudos to you, my brother, for using the technology to brighten the lives of millions!
Just as there are millions out there who have amazing flourishing friendships, there are probably an equal number of those who either lacking in the friends department or trying to discern who needs to be removed from their lives. I believe in periodically doing a “cleansing” of sorts and scratching off my contacts those who are not benefiting from my friendship or vice versa. May I share those tips with you? Prayerfully consider these aspects of friendship and consider whether you measure up to the post of friend.
- True friends stay by our side not only for the fun but also to support and motivate. Shout out to my dear bus buddy, who on the daily heard about every agonizing challenge I was going through while I was going to grad school. She tolerated every single story. We laughed, she offered insight, and most importantly she reminded me that this was temporary and focus on the goal – my degree. During this same time period, she was meticulously attending to the details of her upcoming wedding. She shared her bridesmaids woes and we celebrated when she secured the venue of her dreams. This life highlight was just as meaningful as mine was to me. We exchanged thoughts and ideas. She is one of the very few who will wake up at the crack of down, grab a Starbucks and be down for a road trip to an outlet mall just to walk around. The blessing is that I can rely on her just as I hope she can rely on me.
9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
- Friends demonstrate unconditional affection for you and not around for convenience. Shout out to one of my dearest “seester-friends” with whom I “fuss” with regularly. I don’t recall any major conversation or moment of importance that has not been the groundwork of a good hearty discussion or disagreement. These ladies confronts my unapologetic black or white positions and offers balanced and spirit-led points of views. I have to remember that my friendship will not always be easy. I will have my lazy days. But I have dear seester-friends who will lovingly insert themselves to check on me, even when I don’t feel or welcome it.
17A friend. is always loyal… – Proverbs 17:17a
- Friends don’t hesitate to get into difficulties or mess. Shout out to my dear friend to whom I refer to as “Mother”. Though we met in the workplace and shared very similar professional challenges, we discovered a sincere and beautiful friendship in the midst of all the toxic mess of the office. In spite of those agonizing experiences, she chose to be with me when I struggled to lose 20lbs of stress fat and another 185lbs of bad relationship weight. During those difficult workouts at the gym, she coached me through another set of squats or crunches. She allowed me a moment to pout cringe in pain and quickly reminded me of the next set of exercises. Mother has been the soul of wisdom when I discuss my love life. She confronts my young-ish and skewed ideas about expectations and reality. She stands with me during heartbreak and tears and is quick with a Kleenex and a big mothering hug.
17 …and a brother is born to help in time of need. – Proverbs 17:17b
- Friends share genuine happiness for your success. In this dog-eat-dog world, people are usually competing with others for the “prize” – whatever that prize is. In fact, I am certain you know of some folks in your circle who do not know how to celebrate the high points of your life. Not me! I kindly showed those folks the exit sign. Then God showed me a few married couples. Sidebar…just for free: You may want to surround yourself with people who have achieved what you desire. They may very well be the guide to accessing your greatest desires. Shout out to these two sets of married couples who have observed me when I was down and out and living in a 1-bedroom, bussing it around LA before I learned how to drive and get a car. They watched me date and celebrated my marriage. They trusted me with their child and have included me in every family function. They cried and prayed with me when my marriage disintegrated. This one couple allowed me to sulk for about two minutes and the next thing I knew I was working on the process of purchasing my first home. Ironically, I met the husbands first while serving in ministry. I imagine they saw me grind regularly thus trusted me to meet their respective wives. It is with these wives that I have had the most fruitful conversations, companionship and forward movement. Ultimately, true friends find true happiness with the other.
15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! – Romans 12:15-16
- Friends have edifying conversations. Shout out to my friend, Pop. I cannot recall a time together when I did not come away from a time or conversation which edified, refreshed, or motivated me to tackle new challenges. In the same vein, I have been that for him. We often recollect that I met him because I was dating his son. I may have lost that boyfriend, but I gained a dear friend. After we laugh, we acknowledge we both benefited greatly from the irony. This seasoned man of faith offers the balance of listening and speaking which I deeply appreciate. And while we have our disagreements, it is relieving that our friendship and care for one another does not change. If anything, it brings us closer.
17 As iron sharpens iron,
so a friend sharpens a friend. – Proverbs 27:17
- Friends offer gentle correction and admonition when needed. Thank God for friends who look out for me when I am just about to make a misstep. Instead they take the extra step and offer sincere and loving correction. Shout out to my Chi-town girl who on many many occasions had to “check” me when I was riding off the rails. She knew I didn’t play well with others and I was often quite course in the way I’d say things. I cannot tell you the number of times, she has had to pull me to the side and give me a heads up on how to better approach the situation. She has proffered the best forms of advice when I have been unsure of how to handle difficult situations. She has demonstrated to me the best kind of friend who both allows me to be myself and accepts me for just who I am.
5 An open rebuke
is better than hidden love! 6 Wounds from a sincere friend
are better than many kisses from an enemy. – Proverbs 27:5-6
- Friends make the time! Time is the investment to gather the details of struggles, concerns, challenges, hopes, and dreams. For those who know me, they know my biggest pet peeve is telling me you want to do something and then not follow through and do it. For many who live outside the Los Angeles scene, they are infamous for the line, “Baby, let’s do lunch.” They walk away and you never see them again until the next party and then there are all the excuses. Yuck!! Friends, on the other hand, commit to setting time aside to re-connect, to inspire, and persevere. Shout out to my “for real” girls who text or call and let me know its time to meet for lunch or dinner, to zoom, or jump on the phone. Friends understand the concept of “two-way street” and understand the reciprocity of support will enrich lives. Our conversations have allowed us to be accountable to one another. I have learned so much from listening to the way they’ve handled situations. I have been blessed by their concern for things I am concerned about. They have offered their insight on how to approach situations. What makes it more illuminating, are the new and innovative ways I have learned about cultural differences and perspectives. Despite our ages, nationalities, cultural, educational or marital status, we are all learning and evolving. Friends are the conduits for your growth.
15 Intelligent people are always ready to learn. Their ears are open for knowledge. – Proverbs 18:15
Friends, celebrate your friendships! Give your friends their flowers now while they can still smell them. Quit looking for what you can get out of your friendships. Instead confide in them the aspects of your friendship you treasure most. Let your friends hear you tell them how special they are to you. Bare yourself to your friends and allow your friends to bare themselves before you. Keep your posse, tribe, squad, however you refer to your crew of friends, close and connected. Be quick to extend a hand. Encourage with words of worth and value. Share what you’ve learned. Reach one = teach one! Most importantly, keep your friendships safe as only a loving friend deserves. Friendship is more a covenant than a contract. It is a bond that transcends generations and impacts the people in your life. Your child, spouse or acquaintance may be watching.
…now what, Linda.
now what, Linda? 