DATING If Over 50

“Maybe it won’t work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever.”

the single woman

1. Is it possible to meet “Mr. Right” at this point in my life?
2. Can I fall in love in my 50’s?

These are the two questions women in their prime dating lives will ever dare to ask. You may have even asked that question in your dating lifetime. However, in my opinion, these are the same two questions from which women really don’t want to hear the answers. So, if you are thin-skinned or unsure if now is the right time to learn the truth of where you’re at when it comes to dating relationships or getting ready for marriage, you may want to skip reading this post.

Sure, dating was far more idyllic when I was in my 20’s and 30’s. Perhaps, I was so caught up in the romance of meeting my true love, I was smiling brightly like Snow White twirling and singing to the little forest animals. Men were drawn to my smile and welcoming personae. I was introduced and had my share of first dates. Unfortunately, once they got past the smile and the wisps of witty banter, the conversation would reveal a different story. Exposing ourselves through our opinions, thoughts, and beliefs became a challenge for both of us. For me, my gut instinct which distinguishes the rats from the super rats prevented me from moving to date number 2. So the pickings were extremely limited. As for him, he realized my gut instincts got in the way of him being himself.

It has been my observation, after speaking with men and women about their dating experiences, they spend a great deal of time pointing the finger at what the other is not providing. Then, there are the men and women who are dazzled by the romantic notions associated with dating and lose site on the practical side of what makes one and remains attractive (in the complete sense of the word) to the other. Meeting new people to date may be exciting. Setting up an account on one of the more popular online dating sites may make you tingle. However, before you spend any additional time or money on any new dates, please devote substantial time to evaluate and assess where you are in the dating game.

Date someone who gives you the same feeling of when you see your food coming.

the single woman

Honestly, determine whether you fall into one of these categories. Take the time you need to confront your doubts and anxieties and naturally arrive to a comfortable place about dating.

You may not be ready for a relationship. You may not be ready to do what it takes to be in a balanced, respectful, and love-centered relationship. You may have just got separated, divorced or a widow. Jumping into the dating pool while in the middle of processing emotions may not be wise. Your heart and mind are distracted with the hurt associated with mourning a loss or broken relationship. Hooking up with the “rebound” guy or gal is the last thing you should be doing. You will be misleading and misunderstanding conversations. Instead of getting to know the new person in front of you, at best, you are distracted and unfocused. Stories, meant to be funny may translate poorly on your end, especially if your feelings are askew. That baggage is entirely too heavy to carry into a new relationship and frankly it’s unfair to believe one would find you attractive while you are struggling through your emotions and sensitivities. Dating, if anything, should be fun and allow you the freedom to tap into the creative juices.

When I was younger, it was so much fun meeting my dates. I thoroughly enjoyed primping and preparing for the evening. Most importantly, I approached it fearlessly with no inhibitions. Yet, I noticed since my divorce, dating again had become a bit more complicated. Personally, I recognized how impatient I was and I found myself comparing my dates to my dad or an ex. Perhaps you can identify with one or more of these below:

• I put a lot of pressure on myself
• I am disconnected from the dating scene
• I come with baggage
• I am emotionally drained
• Compromise is harder than it used to be
• I have less patience
• I can’t help but compare

You don’t know what you want in a relationship. Go on, admit it! You don’t know what you want in a relationship, much less in a date. Men and women are both guilty of formulating a balanced and respectful relationship on looks, the job, cars, money, or connections. These are just a few things that get in the way of men and women admitting that they do not know what they want in a relationship. We often want to mimic what someone else has. You want what your neighbor or best friend have. Sorry, it doesn’t work that way. You have no idea what work had to go into making that “eye candy” attractive in the first place. And you certainly don’t want to know what they looked like before they got cleaned up. It started with those compelling Disney fairy tales. We see ourselves as either Cinderella, Rapunzel or Sleeping Beauty and we all imagine Prince Charming will come galloping on his white stallion to save us from ______fill in the blank_____. Then we grew up reading love stories like “Wuthering Heights” and “Emma” in high school. Then it didn’t stop there. We headed to the movies to watch the romantic comedies of the 90’s like “Pretty Woman”, “When Harry Met Sally”, “You’ve Got Mail” or “My Best Friend’s Wedding”. It seems non-stop. I’ve heard of art imitating life; but for many, the greater desire is that their lives imitate art. Come on…you can say it. Deep down you wanted Richard Gere to scoop you up in his Lamborghini and put you up in the penthouse of the Beverly Hilton Hotel.

We do not stop to consider that many of the attributes the books and movies are highlighting are for show and not at all practical. Besides, any dilemma between the two characters has to be resolved within the two-hour film. None of these films concentrates on the characteristics of the men and women we truly need in our lives. Sadly, that is not real-life. Unfortunately, much of what we see in the movies or in our next door neighbors is the ideal for that situation and not for you. We don’t stop to think about the character traits that compliment our lives and matter to building a life-long partnership . Instead, we give more attention to the actor on the screen and the extraordinary romantical fixings that come along with it. Confession: I really had a crush on the fine “Mo Better Blues” Denzel Washington. And I dreamed of running into my own Bleek Gilliam. Reality Check: No matter how often I prayed and watched the movie, it was a fantasy. The closest I got to a jazz trumpeter was that my date could name a jazz trumpeter.

Relationships may not be for you. This possibility may be the toughest reality to face because it may mean admitting you are not relationship material. You’ve heard the saying, “Everything for you is not necessarily good for you”. There is truth to that sentiment. Sure dating or getting married would be a good thing but perhaps that’s not good for you. Perhaps, there are qualities you possess that get in the way of engaging in a balanced, respectful, love-centered relationship. Perhaps after reading my last two posts on friendships, you’ve arrived to the conclusion that partnership requires more than what you are equipped. Finally, there is the conclusion that there are far more women in the world than there are available men. The numbers do not lie. I’ve heard it said that all the good men are taken and the rest are either in jail or leading an alternate lifestyle. I dare not to confirm or deny that position but I do understand if that one special person does not present himself to me, I am just as fulfilled.

Who and for what are you dating? While we are caught up in the thrill of getting to know a new person and introduce them into our lives, we end up dating because it is expected of us. In some cases, dating someone can become all-consuming and distracting. Dating can distract us from our responsibilities, jobs, or our faith. It is on the latter I wish to elaborate. We have to confront the choice of dating someone who honors your faith and does not compromise your love and adoration for God. To my non-believing friends, refusing to date someone who does not share my faith may be difficult to understand. However, honoring God by dating a man of faith is putting God first over the relationship. At the risk of sounding elitist or self-righteous, I must make clear that my love affair with God is the first and most lasting relationship before, during, and after any romantic relationship enters my life. In fact, I believe God allows me opportunities to date because He trusts I would not get turned away from talking to Him before talking to a new guy. Does it not make you at all curious that you can stay on the phone with a new bae all through the night and yet only spend 10 minutes in prayer or reading a devotion? We are willing to sacrifice getting to know who God is yet stay on the phone for hours getting to know a guy who could potentially be the wrong one for you. And, we still desire God to bless the relationship or the marriage.

We have heard the concept of a “Jealous God”. It almost sounds like God doesn’t allow us to have any fun. But the word “jealous” in this context is transliterated to mean “devotion”. It’s the image of taking special attention to care for or to express your adoration for one who is deserving of it. We want fun, we want pleasure, we want it now.  As such, we tend to despise the idea of giving away things for now – like casual dating – in pursuit of something greater. However, what if dating God’s way, including giving God His honor and devotion, opened the door to meeting someone who shares that same love for your faith just as you do? Imagine how dating God’s way can guarantee you success over the ways you tried to do it before. I look at it this way – God loves me so much, while He demands I love Him just as much and place nothing or no one above Him, He still gives me the freedom to choose Him. The choice is mine. In return, He will send prospects my way which will continuously support and allow me to honor God in the way He deserves.

So ladies and gentlemen, before you completely write-off the possibilities of dating, open your mind and heart to a few things:

1. Think about what you want.
   • What are your top 5 character traits you desire in your date. Do you have a few non-negotiables? Would you consider making allowances? Are you prepared to present him with the same things you expect him to give to you?
2. Practice the way you speak or tell a story.
   • Can you laugh at a joke? Can you tell a joke? Practice the art of flirting. You only have a short window of time to make a first impression.
3. Work your tech game.
   • Yes, we are baby boomers but there’s no need to not know how to use texting features or the camera. Perhaps, you may take the extra bold step and sign up for a dating site. Yes, they do require an online presence.
4. Consider a reputable matchmaker.
   • I have had my share of friends try to hook me up to their brothers and friends but they didn’t seem to stick. On the other hand, perhaps investing in a professional matchmaker may make the difference. She or He is responsible for capturing all the character traits from both parties and prepping both to make a connection. In addition, this matchmaker will be better equipped to make hard decisions on your behalf, make recommendations on your appearance, and conversation. Investing in this option may be helpful to identifying unique and intriguing parts of your personality and character that perhaps you had not seen before. What a gold mine!

Dating is tough. Dating at any age can be challenging. Yet, remaining focused on those things that are emotionally healthy, balanced, and respectful can possibly lead you in the right direction. The best thing in life is finding someone who knows all your flaws, mistakes, and weaknesses and still thinks you’re completely amazing. Yes, I want that too! But it takes one honest step at a time.

…now what, Linda.