Fathers are being celebrated this weekend by their children, spouses, and friends. Sadly, Father’s Day weekend is not automatically a time to celebrate. We have arrived at a point that dads “must earn” their holiday. A recent statement made by Christina Wyman, author of the forthcoming novel “Jawbreaker” helped put the celebration of our parents in perspective. She reveals, “For adult children who have traumatic relationships with their parents, holidays like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are complicated at best and at worst emotional scourges”. Let us simmer on that point. Back in the day, for better and for worse, children were far more encouraged to celebrate our parents – mothers and fathers. What a difference a generation can make! I recall in my kindergarten and elementary school years making a Father’s Day construction paper greeting card shaped into a tie for my Daddy. Every one of my classmates were making cards for their fathers and for grandfathers or uncles who were stepping into the role of fathers where one may not have been present. I appreciated my teachers who made it clear to not ignore the male influences and role models in our lives. In my household, we “cooked” all his favorite meals and we intentionally avoided fighting or interrupt his sports viewing on TV. Today, society is making it more and more easy for children to not have relationships with their parents and most particularly with their fathers. It is my observation, fathers are getting the bitter end of the deal in areas that impacts men’s ability to provide, protect, and pastor/shepherd their families.
Economics
Money talks! Most especially for fathers out there. How our commercial and financial system operates in concert with our spending and investment in men justifies society’s esteem and regard for our men and fathers. Men are defined by how they provide for their families and most importantly their children. The National Retail Federation says only 76% of people plan to celebrate Father’s Day. Compare that to 84% on Mother’s Day. We also spend more on mom; $25 billion dollars compared to $16 billion for dad. In fact, Father’s Day is the smallest American gift-giving holiday. Families will mark the occasion with a simple greeting card – 64.1% pick paper over gifts.
To add further injury to the egos of the fathers out there; of the top ten most celebrated public U.S. holidays, Christmas (December) and Thanksgiving (November) ranks in first and second place, respectively. Mother’s Day ranks third while Father’s Day falls behind the 4th of July in seventh place; followed by Halloween and St. Patrick’s Day.
According to the U.S. Census, by January 2021, mothers’ active work status was 6.4 percentage points lower than in January 2020 and fathers’ active work status was 5.9 points lower. COVID did not help the with the number of unemployed fathers. Fathers appear to have reduced their work hours more than mothers. Recently, Child Trends Research Brief revealed a few socioeconomic influencers; strong links between socioeconomic status and father involvement.
- Two national studies reveal that fathers with higher levels of education are more accessible to and engaged with their school-age children.
- Fathers who are able to provide economically for their children are more likely to stay invested in their marriages or partner relationships and are more likely to be engaged with and nurturing of their children — even if they live apart from their children.
- Unemployed fathers are less likely to form families or assume responsibility for their children born outside of marriage.
- Within a marriage, economic hardship can create a stressful and sometimes hostile environment, with men being the primary instigators of angry outbursts.
Legal
Research has revealed variations in the amount and type of father involvement based on the racial/ethnic background of the father. This could not be more relevant than in the lives of our Black fathers. Welfare policies impact fathers. Federal policies, such as the Aid to Families with Dependent Children Act (1935) and child support legislation before 1996, have indirectly (and perhaps unintentionally) led to a decrease of fathers in the home. A recent thesis by Lily Nwanesi out of East Michigan University revealed, “multiple states have adopted policies to help promote responsible fatherhood and two-parent families”. She analyzed three state programs from Texas, Connecticut, and Illinois and uncovered, overall, that state programs promote responsible fatherhood and two-parent family structures better than the analyzed federal programs. Nwanesi claims, in 1984, Congress passed the Child Support Enforcement amendments that strengthened child support enforcement agencies as they sought to retrieve payments. The amendments allowed for more punitive actions that would incentivize noncustodial parents to pay as they were required to (Cahn & Murphy, 2000; Calistri, 1990). For example, agencies were to institute mandatory wage withholding when there were overdue payments for at least a month. They could also withhold income tax returns and hold property as collateral until payments were made.
Father’s Rights and other legal initiatives have been slow to acknowledge the importance of fathers. Father’s rights advocates have been fighting to make sure that father’s rights are equal to a mothers parenting rights. States have different laws regarding father’s rights to parenting and visitation. Establishing paternity is important to the life of a child, however, made more difficult if the relationship with the child’s mother is strained. Additional, Father Rights issues include Father’s Rights Before Birth, Father’s Rights and Abortion, Father’s Rights and FMLA, Legal Definition of ‘Father’ by State, Parenting Time Interference, Paternity Leave, FMLA, and State Leave Laws, Shared Parenting vs. Sole Custody, and many more. Employers adopted the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) guaranteeing employees unpaid time off for family or medical reasons in 1993. The act is intended to promote the stability and economic security of families as well as the nation’s interest in preserving the integrity of families. Only five states mandate paid parental leave. New York State, California, New Jersey, Rhode Island, Washington state, and Washington, D.C. now have laws in place requiring employers to provide paid leave to employees. In 2002, California passed the first paid parental leave (including fathers) law in America. When the law went into place in 2004, new parents received 55 percent of their wages for up to six weeks. In 2018, the percentage was increased to 60 or 70 percent of their income, for up to eight weeks within a year-long period. Starting in 2021, this kind of leave will also apply to parents whose family members are deployed overseas. However, this kind of paid leave does not come with job protection.
Legacy
There are two stories about the origins of Father’s Day. The lore goes that the holiday is the brainchild of two women. The first, Grace Golden Clayton of West Virginia, suggested to her pastor in 1908 that the church honor fathers, an idea likely inspired by a mining disaster in nearby Monongah the year before that killed 362 men and left 1,000 widows and children. The other woman, more widely recognized as the creator of Father’s Day, was Sonora Dodd of Spokane, Washington. Dodd and her five siblings were raised by a single father in a time when that was largely uncommon, and in 1910 she started a petition to recognize the holiday. President Lyndon B. Johnson issued the first presidential proclamation honoring fathers, designating the third Sunday in June as Father’s Day. Six years later, the day was made a permanent national holiday when President Richard Nixon signed it into law in 1972.
The best dads do not see things in pink and blue. I love watching videos of fathers taking part in gender reveal parties. I also enjoy watching fathers dress up for afternoon teas with their daughters and teaching them pitch a tent for an upcoming camping trip. My greatest appreciation for dads out there is the huge role they play in their daughters’ lives because they can help their daughters grow. Dads play a role in helping them reach their full potential. Today the ‘feminist dad’ is being redefined. Fathers play an important role in helping girls to see themselves as worthy of respect from men. Girls with dads in the home have a later onset of puberty and a later age of first sexual experience. W. Bradford Wilcox, a professor of sociology and senior fellow at the Institute for Family Studies — talked about the importance of dads and the importance of Black fathers in society. There’s new research about how Black fathers play a role in helping children grow, especially when they’re one part of a two-parent family. The study found that Black children in single-parent homes, for example, were 3.5 times more likely to face poverty struggles. But their peers — who lived with both of their parents in a first marriage — didn’t suffer as greatly.
I do not shy away from admitting my mental health relies on distancing myself from my mother. But it is the purposed abandonment from my father that has had the most profound impact on me. My relationship with my father goes in and out between dark, manageable, loving, and complicated due to reasons beyond my control, such as his own messy upbringing and harmful coping mechanisms. But I choose to hold on to the best parts of my relationship with my daddy. I recall my daddy is the first man who regularly referred to me as “his big, beautiful princess”. He opened doors for me to walk through. My daddy held my hand and walked on the outside of the sidewalk. I watched him listen to records, watch sports, and read newspapers and books and he taught me about what he appreciated and learned from listening, watching, and reading. I observed him work hard, get a paycheck, and take me to the bank to budget and pay bills. I heard him make a promise to buy a house with a backyard for us when our baby brother was born, and he made good on his word. I learned from my dad the difference between luxuries and necessities. He was the first one to teach me about “having to do the things I have to do in order to do the things I wanted to do.” As the years edged forward, our relationship shifted and his behavior towards me, my sister, and mom, as well. His mood swings and ruthlessness towards us made it almost unbearable to be with him. I escaped following one of our most physical and violent clashes and never turned back. Following approximately 17 years, I learned to forgive him and wrote and called him regularly. Suddenly, it stopped. Ultimately, I arrived at the frightening conclusion that he made the unrepentant choice to not reach out to me or his children. He will have to answer for his audacious absence from our lives. In the meantime, I have chosen to acknowledge my father and remember fondly the portion of connection and love we shared in those early years of our lives.
In the interim, God has delivered on His promise to send replacements; divine reinforcements to step in and serve as “father-figures” to me. One promise –
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed”. – Psalm 34:18 (NLT)
You may have a strained relationship with your father; which in turn may contribute to an awkward connection with your Heavenly Father. I urge you to find it in your heart to release the hardships and memories of your painful interactions with your dads. Take the time to purge, cry, talk to a safe person or all three and surrender the grudge you hold against him. The truth is he did the best he could do. No excuse but it is the reality, in most cases. Fathers are not perfect although we want them to be. We/I had to cut my daddy a lot of slack and not hold too much against him. The love-hate relationship you have for your dad may leave you brokenhearted. However, a genuine desire to reconcile and find healing will persuade God to send you men into your life who will act as “step-fathers” and provide the attention and love you crave. I am grateful for my spiritual dad, my Bishop and Pop who will excitedly greet me as “daughter” on the phone and in person. Both gentlemen have taken up the mantle of father during the highs and lows of my life. These men have protected my heart, affirmed my confidence in my professional and private lives, and prayed for me when I was too broken to pray for myself. These men have celebrated my successes, birthdays, and the times I got rid of the toxic relationships in my life. I could not have received these two gifts had it not been for my diligent pursuit in seeking God’s face and willingness to reconcile with my earthly father. It’s your turn to take the steps to restore your heart toward your father. It’ll be so worth it.
…now what, Linda.
now what, Linda? 