Some of us look grown-up but aren’t.
S. Rufus
Have you ever openly and honestly admitted unto yourself how utterly unaware you were of how to handle the ‘fill in the ____________ blank’ matters in your life?
Is it just me or have you ever realized you were simply unprepared or ill-equipped to deal with the “big girl” challenges that present themselves in your daily living because we are looking for affirmation from those we admire or we deem relevant in our lives?
These questions were inspired by a recent conversation I had with a young lady who was making a determined choice to move out of state and start a new life away from that and those she’s ever known. According to her, she wanted to live in a place with trees, lakes, and seasons. She wanted to be surrounded by an environment in which she can feel as if she belonged. She realized Los Angeles (with all the attraction of sun and beaches) the palm trees (transplanted from Hawaii) are not native to California and therefore unhappy. She said, “after living here for so long, I noticed the palm trees look like they don’t want to be here either”. California is a dessert town. The foliage associated with this western climate are drought resistant, at best. She wants to be in a new location where the trees belonged. She wants to be around ‘happy’ trees. She wants to belong in a natural habitat that would envigorate and empower her to thrive.
Our four-hour conversation entailed not only sharing the news of the approaching move but the unsettling reactions she was getting from those around her. As she was speaking, it triggered my own recollections of transplanting to a new state and all that it entailed. Sadly, I was not as confident to share my decisions to move out of state, as she was. Based on my past history, I presumed my family and friends would not readily celebrate my decision to venture out. In fact, the one who would have the most to say against my decision would come from the very person from whom I believed could have been more supportive. You guessed it…my mom.
As my dear friend was sharing her excitement about her move, it dawned on me how clear our greatest anxieties feed into our arrested development to thrive and try new things. We may be aware of what grown-up decisions look like. Whether moving to another state, quitting a job and starting a new business, etc. are ventures into the unknown and no child-like act. This takes adult determination. However, we question whether we are prepared to face the details, the processes, the planning, etc. as well as the emotional, mental, and social toll it would take. We also overthink whether making the move is in response to the many years we allow life’s circumstances to prevent us from stepping out and braving adventures. Are we getting in our own way? Did we enable our own arrested development? Was there a past trauma, fear(s), or existing dysfunction which inhibited our emotional development? This conversation inspired this post. Facing our fears and anxieties means we are paying a lot of attention to the insecurities which lay before us but it is the way we find balance and comfort in our choices where in lies the real work.
Childish fears emanate from our own immaturity or some situation in our lives which have kept us stuck in our past – not necessarily by choice. It has been my observation there are two areas in which this childish fear DOES NOT work – parenthood and workplace, particularly high-stress jobs. Imagine, if you can, wanting to hide in the closet, run to the swing set or sand box while at the same time juggling mortgage payments and childcare. It is hard! The term ‘arrested development’ has several meanings depending on the industry or field it is being used. It has a distinctive and separate implication in the world of psychology versus the field of medicine. Nevertheless, in this thing called LIFE, the definition of arrested development is related to the exposure to the ‘right’ experiences and situations which result in the ability to ‘rightly’ respond or react to social, emotional, or physical lessons. It is chiefly seen in our teens. Something or someone will have said or done something which would have prevented the teen to develop. By limiting experiences, teens are said to be unable to fully develop in terms of responsibility. In this case, teens are stuck in their own arrested development.
“We’re kids, still playing dress up, playing house. Bodies have grown but our minds have not.”
Can you imagine being in your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and older and unable to grow, build, evolve – pursue new job opportunities, travel to new places, get married or have children? It has happened. We have to take account of those areas in our life in which we were stunted; unable to move upward and forward.
Dealing with this type of stuntedness as an adult is not easy and can be downright embarrassing. What I have learned when confronting my own child-like tendencies have been difficult to admit. Yet, as is the purpose of this blog, I am an open book and I pray my experiences and guidance may help you to take the ‘now what’ steps in your life which will guide you from simply surviving to thriving. Stay tuned until next week as we continue this adventure and become overcomers on a mission.
…now what, Linda
now what, Linda? 