When last we left our heroine, she and I were celebrating her daring decision to move out-of-state; away from the home, family and friends she’d ever known in her young 30-something life. She was seizing the moment to pursue the new and now what’s. Unlike the majority of stories I’ve heard and my own personal experience, the change was not predicated on a new employment opportunity or going after the love of her life. Our heroine is going after the ‘what if’s?’ that await her touch. I observed her growing excitement as she recited the details of finding an apartment, moving her essentials, and how she intended to financially provide for herself. I believe her optimism was anchored on the possibilities.
We go about our days working, providing for our families, dealing with life’s stresses often blind with nothing but our tangibles and faith. More on faith later on this post! What we also have in common is carrying the burden of how our decision, in spite of how bold and comfortable it was for us to make, would impact loved ones around us. Sadly the opinions and initial thoughts from our family and friends are less than encouraging. In fact, they will steadily unload their worries, concerns, anxieties, fears, anger, frustrations, and transfer insults to our intelligence and wit. The emphasis on their. Perhaps knowingly or not, it triggers our adolescence responses and we begin to question and doubt our ability or stop growing altogether.
There is nothing more hurtful or degrading than regressing to a child-like place when facing the less than kind reactions from those we admire and look up to. In my case, I looked to my mother and grandmother. I watched the adult women in my family as strong opinionated women with hearty laughs. On Sundays, the women would gather multi-tasking in the kitchen cooking, chopping onions and peppers, and washing dishes while getting their weekly doses of local gossip. I wanted to be them. I was entertained by them. I valued the moments when they looked to me and paid me a compliment. But in private, I lived out an entirely different relationship with my mom. I recall most vividly dreaming of a mother-daughter relationship that would be comforting and supporting. I envisioned her applauding my successes and opportunities to do something new and adventurous. As a young adolescent, my emotional development was taking a beating.
To this day, I am intentional about reminding my mother that it was her extraordinary maternal upbringing, intelligence and resilience that inspires my soul to take fearless leaps of faith. I chose to tell no one of my move from New York to Los Angeles. In fact, I casually mentioned it in passing as a hypothetical scenario but provided no real timeframe or plan of action. I avoided the confrontation and input of others who may have tried to manipulate my emotions and sway my choices. Over 30+ years later, I am so glad I moved. These maternal (and paternal) influences are powerful and carry weight. Which is why I felt so compelled to write to this experience. My prayer is you will take these experiences and insights into account whenever faced with making your big-girl (or big-boy) decisions.
Above all, family is a construct, and like all constructs, it covers for something darker, and more complex, than we’d like to admit: that family ties are not the same as love, that blood or legal relation does not necessarily induce compassion, that we are often our worst selves with the people who are automatically, unquestionably bound to us.
Anne helen petersen, senior culture writer
Scenario #1 – Trauma
Physical maturity is inevitable; emotional maturity is not. A vast majority of us are stuck in our emotional growth somewhere in our juvenile years. When I was in those adolescent to early teen years, I was athletic and shapely and often mistaken as much older. I was experiencing a great deal of emotional confusion at the time. While home, I was still Daddy’s beautiful princess. At school, I was competing in sports and academics, in addition to establishing an identity among my peers. Based on my environment and experiences, it became imperative to develop a tough and conscious appearance while balancing expectations from both my parents and teachers. I recall trying to build a sense of independence and autonomy. Yes, I was in training bras and lip gloss but emotionally I was being treated by my parents as if I were still in ruffles and patent leather shoes. I was still expected to do chores, speak when spoken to, and submit to authority. My parents did not allow me to flesh out emotional consequences and offer the support and explanation for why experiences I was facing worked out the way they did. Clearly, my home was not an episode out of The Brady Bunch or The Cosby Show. Further, imagine the emotional shock when the suddenness and unexpected change of parental engagement and living conditions occur? Envision those conditions protracted over years. This is traumatic for a child or young teen. This is significant and may lead to failure to develop a strong sense of self and identity and on the other hand may lead to an unwillingness to assume adult responsibilities – delay in marriage or having children, perhaps. Raise your hand if you fall into either of the two categories.
Scenario #2 – Fear
Emotionally stuck; anchored to an emotional level of development from an experience or emotion. My siblings and I were raised on fear. In our worlds, there was reverent fear and there was the fear that crippled us and thrusted us to make audacious moves. My parents instilled fear in teaching, discipline, and even in our maturing. Without going into a lot of details, I do not recall celebrating a new birthday as a new year for opportunities and growth but more along the lines, “Oh wait and see what you’re going to have to face or what you will deal with”. Blowing the candles was one step closer to fear and trepidation. These outbursts and unpredictable mood swings caused me to be hyper-sensitive and hyper-alert of every step I made. For a long time, I waited for the other shoe to drop and assumed good things happened to other people. In addition, I considered others before myself. My concerns, anxieties, and needs were second to my parents and friends. The extreme is the excessive need for instant gratification. Either way, fear is the dominate force. People Pleasers, please stand up!
Scenario #3 – Anger & Dysfunction
Controlling and manipulative parenting is one example of dysfunction. There are others like sibling rivalries, parent-child conflicts, domestic violence, mental illness, single parenthood, or external conflicts like drug or alcohol abuses, affairs, gambling, etc. These all influence the basic needs of the family unit. And guess what? One wise person said it best, “People who come from dysfunctional families are not destined for a dysfunctional life”. Unfortunately, when dealing with this type of family, it stunts our emotional growth in pursuit of better and greater. I imagine, depending on the deep influence of such dysfunction, it can certainly make an imprint on one’s emotional maturity. It did for me. It is akin to a trauma. I experienced life circumstances which left me feeling extremely stressed and highly doubtful of my ability to succeed. I battled for a long time to achieve balance in my self-sufficiency versus surrendering to shame or doubt or competence versus inferiority. I was known for overworking, overachieving, perfectionism, and addictive behaviors. I was angry. I was resentful. I was aggressive. I was unkind. I did not have the emotional coping tools to deal with all of this.
Fast-forward to 36, 46, or 56 year old and still regressing to a 13 or 14 year old teen? Sure, it is cute to hear our parents or other adult influencers recall their adult children as their babies. On the other hand, the constant criticism or subtle use of sarcasm, insults or teasing from our parents are sneaky ways to say something negative and belittle our growth. Do not worry, I won’t ask you to raise your hand on this one. I know I am not alone in this.
In either of the scenarios, your emotional development is threatened and stunted. Your emotions are one big gumbo of underdeveloped feelings. At any point, you will return to the child or teen when “an anchor” (opinion, negative word, or experience, etc.) comes into play. In fact, those anchors are learned responses; repeated and conditioned. For example, up until I was 35 years old, whenever my mom spoke to me about time management, I immediately regressed to a child. Most times, I thought myself clever about not bringing up “trigger” topics, but I was not always that successful. On most occasions, I imagined what my mother would say and recite back to her word for word what she was going to say. I lowered my head, avoided her glance, and softly responded only after she was completely done with what she was saying. Today, I have developed new techniques to prevent backsliding to a teenage girl. The best and most effective tactic I’ve used and continue to use is verse memorization. I begin every conversation in full adult voice and in my mind, I am telling myself what God says, “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.” – Psalm 139:14. That is what God says to me and no one; even a parent is above God in His thoughts of you and me!
Faith is a tall order to uncover as a child when still trying to develop and blossom into the person you are destined to become. For many of us we don’t know what faith is until we are in crisis. As children, we surrender to the teachings of our parents, teachers, and leaders because, as far as we know, they do know better. But for some cases, it’s a myth. As children, we have no idea of how our adults and mentors have grown up. We do not have the luxury of knowing their backstory. Children and teens are unaware of the circumstances of how and why their parents do what they do and as a result, these young ones are paying the price. Following a great deal of soul searching, I came to the realization that our adult influencers (including our parents) are usually hurt people. And you’ve heard the saying, “Hurt people, hurt people”. In many cases, we have developed our lives despite what our parents have taught us. Personally, I am the woman I am because of who, what, and how my mother is. For better and for worse, I have learned what I must do and re-learned what I should not do. This re-education came from my faith in God and the many wise women He has sent my way from whom to glean.
Speaking to all of my adult children-friends, here is your TO DO list
- Rest in your faith above all else. No one knows you better than YOU and God.
- Seek out time alone to identify those moments in your growth when an experience has stunted your emotional maturity.
- Seek and identify a safe person with whom to discuss your traumas, fears, and anger.
- Pray
While you’re at it, below are some Bible scriptures I memorized while dealing with my family conflicts. Finally, do the work that restores the best of yourself. Meditate on what you desire for yourself and how that best honors God, you and your family. Quit complaining about it or using those reasons as excuses for why you hesitate to step forward. Encourage yourself! Surround yourself with words of affirmations. You are your best cheerleader!
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant.
1 Corinthians 13:4 ESV
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ.
Ephesians 6:1-5 ESV
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32 ESV
A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.
Proverbs 15:18 ESV
For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.
Psalm 17:10 ESV
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Romans 12:18 ESV
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.
John 13:34 ESV
…now what, Linda.
now what, Linda? 