EXTEND More Grace to YOURSELF

Not successful enough…organized enough…confident enough…funny enough…slim enough…talented enough…experienced enough…disciplined enough…thoughtful enough…capable enough…worthy enough.

Linda & every woman in the world

According to a recent report from Lorman Research, women make up more than 50% of the United States population and nearly half of the total U.S. labor force. Despite this, women continue to be underrepresented, underpaid, and discriminated against in the workforce.  Despite the gender pay gap and the misrepresentation of qualified women of color in the workplace, the real damage women are doing is unto themselves.  We are second guessing ourselves, talking down to ourselves, and beating ourselves up when we do not clear the high bar, we set for ourselves.  Even in our accomplishments, we don’t take the time to rest and relish in the successes we achieve.  We focus on what we have not done or could have done better.  Take it from me, I am among a throng of women who reign supreme on self-recrimination, shaming ourselves, and picking out our shortcomings. Yet, we are in the company of women who are capable and incredibly accomplished who wrestle with inadequacy.

Following a conversation with a few of my professional 50-something colleagues, one aspect of the discussion became abundantly clear – we don’t cut ourselves any slack.  In fact, we extend very little grace unto ourselves. Despite the accolades I have received from my family and friends and the milestones I have achieved, I still question whether it is enough. For my peers, their incredulity rests in their marriages, how they are parenting their children, how effective they are in their businesses, their health and wellness, and how they care for their aging parents. More often than not, my sistas-in-arms are questioning their grit and determination while downplaying the triumphs.

Grace, according to Webster is defined as the unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification; a virtue coming from God; a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine assistance; mercy or pardon; a special favor – privilege.

An accurate, common definition, according to the Holy Scriptures, describes grace as the unmerited favor of God toward man.

In both the secular and theological views, grace appears to be a virtue, a benefit, and a privilege.  Yet, as beautiful and celestial a concept as grace exists to be, we do not allow ourselves to embrace this beauty and divineness.  How is that women (in this context) avoid accepting, welcoming, and prospering in the grace afforded to us?

We are bombarded 24/7 with messages and imagery urging us to step up, shape up and live up to some idealized image of success, brilliance, beauty and ‘got-it-all-togetherness.  Run harder. Jump higher. Sweat longer. Look leaner. Thank you, NIKE.  They are not alone. All advertising does is point out the great stuff to remind us of what we don’t have. It is no wonder we often feel like we are just not cutting it. Or if we are managing to keep it all together (including abs to die for, a great career, loving husband, and adorable kids), that at any moment, we will fall behind. 

So if you often feel like you are not measuring, then give yourself permission to not do it all perfectly, first time, every time, but rather to embrace your learning and own your fallibility.

Dr. Margie Warrell

While serving in church ministry, I turned 30. In my 20’s the focus was on learning and in my 30’s I was primed to achieve aka “churning”.  Big or small, I was after the prize!  This was the ammunition which powered my career.  What became apparent very quickly was that everyone who worked with me was not fueling up in the same way I was.  In fact, some were not even on the same track.  Therefore, I was achieving under great amounts of pressure. I did not extend any grace unto myself or my peers. I was so focused on getting the job done, I was relentless. I evaluated and accessed each completed project and watched many benefit from my efforts. And as is the case, I questioned, doubted, and replayed over and over in my mind what I did not do well.  And never once do I recall celebrating what I did right.  Ironically, I was completely disconnected and unaware of how my goals to achieve clouded my motives and consequently caused me to doubt my worth and service. It was not until I turned 40 that I finally acknowledged the legacy of my efforts and service unto my ministry family and leadership. 

As I entered other work environments in my corporate career, I had to adopt a different strategy while maintaining my professionalism and satisfying my vigorous work ethic.  Simultaneously, accepting a new mentality about hard work, achievement, and victory.  It was integral to redefine what value and self-worth meant in the context of my faith.  I knew I was getting paid less than men and not getting the positions I was clearly more qualified to attain. Compounded by my intellectual understanding that while I can not be my “all time best all the time”, I could not use my failures as a baton to beat myself further.  So, what does God say about our value and my diligence to achieve?

Firstly, God wants us to thrive in all aspects of our lives, and He gave us the tools, talents, and gifts to do just that. Secondly, He has created us in His image, there is potential for greatness and goodness.  Lastly, you are never alone!

A few strategies to consider:

• Colossians 3:23-24 “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.” The Good News: No matter what you do, you are using the gifts that the Lord gave you. If you put your talents to use, you are proving to God that you love and worship Him.

• Philippians 2:14-15 “Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.” The Good News: Even in dark and confusing times, do whatever is needed without a doubt or hesitation. If you choose to work hard and keep your head down, others will follow your lead.

• Galatians 6:9 “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” The Good News: Although we may not immediately see the reward for our good doings, they will come. Do not give up! Perseverance is key.

• Psalm 90:17 “Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!” The Good News: Anything we set forth to do without God’s initial blessing is meaningless. It’s important to make sure whatever we do is in the eyes of the Lord, and therefore, we ask for His blessing over our work.

• 2 Timothy 4:7 “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” The Good News: Hard work, dedication, and staying true to your faith pays off in the end. Stick to it and you will be rewarded — God will make sure of it.

• Proverbs 16:3 “Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.” The Good News: Even if you’re lost and don’t know your way out through a difficult situation right now, give it all up to God. Make a promise with Him that you will see it through the end, and He will lay a path down for you.

• Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” The Good News: At the end of the day, God is on our side. We can do anything thanks to Him. We just need to ask for His support.

• Psalm 139:13-15 “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.” The Good News:  Since God has created every part of you, your personality, endurance, work ethic, etc. how can you possible fail?  God makes NO – NONE – ZERO mistakes!  Leave no room for fear or doubt to reside and watch and see what you can accomplish with God by your side.

• Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” The Good News:  There is no place for inhibitions and uncertainty when it comes to what God has planted in you to achieve.  If there is a gnawing in your soul to pursue a goal, chances are He put it there so you may achieve and thrive. And enjoy the fruits of your labor. You deserve it.

Only by daring to pursue the highest vision of what God has for your life right now and defy the naysayer in your head, can you ever come to realize how very wrong it was to doubt how awesome you already are. 

….now what, Linda.