Vulnerability…is more often a strength than a weakness. Vulnerability is strength—peacemaking, ice-melting, soul-restoring.
Gregg Lavoy
I adore talking to my niece and nephews. It is an entertaining treat of laughter AND a healthy dose of revelation whenever I get on the phone with them.
During a recent chat with my eldest nephew, he disclosed he was on a much-needed road trip away from graduate studies and work to regroup and refresh. During this time of relaxation, he set time aside to connect with family via phone. We exchanged what-up’s and how you doing’s and talked about school starting in the Fall. He included a few tales related to car ownership – the dreaded oil change and tune up. What he discovered, in addition to the expense of vehicle maintenance, was he needed a new set of tires. Dang…you know what those costs can be? Nonetheless, he paid for the tune up and mentally prepared to take on extra work shifts to pay for the new set tires. Meanwhile, he still wanted to get away and borrowed a friend’s car instead. It disturbed him that he had to come out of pocket to cover an expensive unexpected bill and yet prepared himself to find more economical ways to entertain himself. I could relate. I appreciated how he was making do of the situation. It demonstrated his maturity and willingness to adjust to the unexpected things life will throw at him. Side note: It truly amazes me how “life” will toss situations in our direction no matter how young or old, how rich or poor, or how prepared we may or may not think we are? Life’s challenges do not discriminate against gender, race or physical or mental aptitude.
Okay, back on track. We talked for another 20 minutes or so and just as the call was ending, I asked him if he would like me to Zelle or CashApp some fun dollars his way. The tone of the conversation immediately changed. I heard crickets on the other end of the phone. I asked him again, perhaps, he might have not heard me the first time. Again, silence. I asked a third time and finally I heard frustration in his voice. He did not want to ask for help. He was unwavering in his position to not ask for assistance and in this case financial. “Auntie, you know how I am. I don’t like asking for money.” This is not the first time, he expressed this sentiment. And, while I was not sending him a million bucks, I was sending him a few dollars and I wanted to get to the bottom of this resistance to ask or receive help. First, I quickly did a self-check to ensure I had not had an experience with him that led him to feel uncomfortable about excepting money from me. Second, I had to make sure I was not taking the rejection of my assistance, personally. So, I curiously asked him why he would hesitate to respond to a gift? I reminded him I was offering the money, all he had to do was agree to accept it. But it seemed just as difficult as if he were asking for the money outright. Sadly, he is not alone when experiences with family members or friends truly impact the way we accept help or ask for help from others. Unfortunately, this hardworking, compassionate young man simply couldn’t get past from thinking that while one traumatic experience can belittle his call for help at one point in his life, it was not an indictment of us all.
Revealing is not just about finding out the gender of your baby. Revealing is about exposing YOURSELF, adjusting, correcting and loving it all!
AUNTIE LINDA
I / We are not alone in the “don’t ask for _____ (fill in the blank)” from family. Ask yourself, what causes me to hesitate to ask for help? More than likely, it is fear. This fear is often related to a bad, perhaps traumatic experience that has you still reeling. Who wants to be rejected or denied at a time of need? I don’t! The truth is, asking for help exposes the greatest fear of all – our vulnerability. Any chance of exposing our vulnerabilities also exposes our embarrassment, shame and our ability to be in control. It causes us to second guess and question ourselves frequently revealing further discomfort and awkwardness. We equate asking for help with weakness and submission.
My theory is that this type of hesitance and defiance against asking for or receiving help really comes from those who have been rejected and abandoned. The rejected individual, as a result, chooses to rely on their self-reliance and build a wall around themselves which prevents them from seeking assistance when they are unable to tackle life’s challenges. Personally, I struggled for a long time with receiving and accepting help. I saw these gifts as indications that I couldn’t handle what life was throwing at me. I started to doubt my abilities and capacity to be productive and effective. I overcompensated by working longer hours and setting higher goals to achieve. This overachiever ignored family and friends to prove to myself and others that I could do it. Boy…was I worn out!
It’s not easy to release our control over things we simply have no control over. Sure, you can decide what you will eat or drink each day, but you cannot control an unexpected or unplanned occurrence in your life. Take it from me, no matter how much you prepare, you are NEVER ready to face the unexpected. I had to take the time to reveal to myself those things or people that were preventing me from accepting or receiving much needed assistance. It took a while to separate from the toxic and petty circumstances and people in my life but eventually, I overcame my hesitance to ask for and accept help.
- I acknowledge I am not in control.
- My faith and reliance in God truly dictate my steps and decision making.
- I acknowledge my limitations. My arms are too short to box with God.
- I am clear about what I know and what I don’t know.
- I acknowledge my mistakes make me smarter, more aware, and stronger in my relationships.
- Perhaps my age and experiences made me more daring. Whatever the reasons, my fears are relieved when I am NOT giving attention to what others say and laying focus toward God.
So, let’s unpack these acknowledgements and I hope this will help you overcome your resistance to reveal that may lead to your healing.
I acknowledge I am not in control.
One way to acknowledge you are not in control is to acknowledge Who is greater than you. In my case, I rest my faith and spiritual health in Jesus Christ. Daily, I affirm His existence in my life through reading scriptures and devotionals as well as setting time aside for prayer. Building a relationship with my spiritual Father gives me the confidence to face the hard times. Surrendering to Him allows me to focus on the things He allows me to have control over – like how I serve others at work or how I demonstrate love and care toward family, friends and even my enemies. Some may call it positive vibes or energy or exercising good karma. Me? I call it a personal affirming relationship with God, My Father who is the Creator of all things – big and small. He created me – flaws and all. He knows every worry and concern I have about my romantic life, my health, my career, my aspirations, my retirement, my friends, and EVERYTHING. He is ever present despite the apprehensions I may have. Whenever, I am in a bind, I believe God sends people my way to help and offer support to get me to the other side of these feelings of doubt or fears. The only thing I am required to do is let down my guard and accept the blessing of their assistance and support. Miraculously, it happens when I least expect it which makes it even more special.
I acknowledge my limitations. My arms are too short to box with God.
This admission works in tandem with my releasing control with one extra consideration – you must act on it. By this I mean, it is one thing to mentally release control over a situation it is another when you can tangibly take your hands out of the situation you have no control over. Identify those areas in your life where you are simply unable to be as effective as you are with other things. Pursue those areas of service which honor your God-given gifts. I know God gives us all kinds of gifts and they are specific to who He has created you to be. For example, one of my gifts is in teaching and encouragement. Personally, I am not as good with working with or teaching young kids. I notice; however, my abilities truly flourish when working or speaking with teens and young women. Allowing myself to give way to what God will do to arrange the situation builds trust and intimacy. Further, it underscores that I can comfortably ask for help at those times when I really need it.
I acknowledge my mistakes make me smarter, more aware, and stronger in my relationships.
Researcher, James Pennebaker, a pioneer in what’s called writing therapy, conducted studies at Southern Methodist University in the 1980s in which he had students write about either traumatic or superficial experiences. Those who wrote about their deepest thoughts and feelings related to a trauma showed a 50 percent drop in visits to the university health center.
There is something magical that happens when we open our hearts to surrender. Did you know saying, “Please” and “Thank you” are examples of vulnerabilities? In fact, they are strengths! We are demonstrating gratitude, courtesy, and humanity when we exchange niceties with one another. People will see you differently – as kind and compassionate. There is power in that.
“I am sorry” or “I don’t know” are also revealing. It’s OK to say, “I don’t know”. Whenever I tell people, “I don’t know” it exposes a chance to learn more and build trust and a rapport with others who may and may not know me.
More than anything, I want to be a joy-filled example of balanced and healthy living. Whenever the chance arises, I want to share with my niece and nephews that our growth is constant and never ends. Yet, it is made easier when in a relationship with Christ who not only knows what is going on, will allow the mistakes and consequences and will give you what it takes to get out of the jam.
Life will allow a billion opportunities to say to someone, “I appreciate you”, “I need your help” or ask “May I help you?” Conversely, there will be an equal number of occasions when others will be there for you to help pay that bill, support you after a bad breakup, or refer you to a new employment opportunity. It may be hard to accept and receive these gestures of kindness. But understand, the constant vigilance required to inhibit self-expression and expose your fears weakens your soul and literally impacts the immune, heart and nervous systems, and puts yourselves at risk for disease. Concealing your hurts, fears, and vulnerabilities can kill you your spirit, and may, over time end your life. Uncovering those fears and vulnerabilities will allow some air to hit it and eventually heal. Receiving a blessing will be life-changing.
The next step is yours.
…now what, Linda.
now what, Linda? 