TIRED of being Tired

I’m exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.

Me and every woman I have talked to this week

I was in my teens, when I first heard a woman say in irritation mode, “Girl, I am just tired of being tired!”  I was living in Queens, NY at the time and one of our neighbors was a beautiful young Puerto Rican woman in her early 30’s, married with two kids – a boy and a girl.  We thought she was the coolest person ever!  She was beautiful, with long wavy hair, a raspy voice, funny, and her two babies were simply gorgeous.  Her husband was cute, too and he drove a bright red Camaro with a loud engine.  We set our clocks by the sound of that engine.  When we saw them together, they were laughing and happy and it mirrored what I saw in my parents and siblings.  Monday through Friday walking home from school, I would find her sitting at the front steps of her home smoking a cigarette, watching her kids ride their bikes or play games off their stoop.  Before I would enter the house, my sister and I would stop to chat with her.  We enjoyed talking to her because she was easy to talk to.  She didn’t scowl at us, if we misused a word or accidently let a cuss word escape our lips.  Instead, she chuckled and told us the cuss words just didn’t sound right when we said them.  We laughed too!

Summer rolled around and all the families were hanging out in front of their homes, grilling, playing salsa music, and laughing with their neighbors, family, and friends.  It was a fun time in our neighborhood.  Summer season ended and the Fall-Return to School season began.  The trees changed shape, the leaves changed colors and fell to the ground.  Well into the school year, things started changing for her and coincidently, it was changing in my household, as well.  It seemed, almost overnight, the minor frustrations of being a wife and mother became big annoyances in the lives of this beautiful neighbor and my mom.  These magnificent women with hearty laughs and strong personalities were getting beaten up, in one way or another, literally and figuratively.  Life was getting the best of them, and they were struggling to remain sane in the madness.

I cannot tell you in detail what happened and what caused the transitions in these women’s lives.  In this one case, I do recall, this once beautiful vibrant Latina just looked tired.  She worked and being a mom to kids under 7 is not easy but on this day she looked exhausted and I discerned there was no spark in her eyes.  From across the street, I waved at her with a smile and made my way to her stoop to chat.  I asked her how she was doing, and she replied….no she dumbed everything she was feeling.  She stopped speaking as she started crying and spoke those words, “I’m just tired of being tired”. All I remember doing was staying quiet and listening to her. Perhaps that’s all she needed; someone to hear her out.  I do not know how I survived hearing all that she shared, but I did.  Side note:  Be careful about asking folks how they’re doing, they just might tell you; so be ready.

Fast forward to the Present, I’m from a teenager.  I’ve lost touch with my neighbor, but my sister remained friends with her and her daughter, now all grown up with children of her own.  There is a legacy there and we fondly embrace the connection we have to the old neighborhood when things seemed simpler and sweeter.  Nevertheless, life does happen.  Marriages, jobs, children, medical issues, legal affairs, friendships, family squabbles, community matters, household bills, death, grief, toxic relationships, all of it will bury your spirit alive.  All these things and more will take its toll.  If we are not prepared to handle hardships, questions, successes, failures, ups and downs, we will be unable to enjoy the good things that life may have to offer.

I confessed recently to a dear friend that once I turned 50, I made a deliberate choice to flip the “have to always be on” switch.

Linda

At different stages of personal maturation, I noticed when I was “turning it on” for friends, family, work, strangers, or whomever would take notice. By ‘turning it on’, I mean, resorting to the extreme of planting a smile on my face even when I was sad or trying to remain calm when I was filled with nervous energy. Back in the streets, we refer to it as “shuckin’ and jivin’ ” or “faking it” but at its core it is all a façade. While my first response was to demonstrate outwardly a particular mask, my insides were tied up in knots. I did that a lot in my youth. I wasn’t listening to what my body or my true authentic self was telling me because I wanted to appear tough and together. At the end of the day in the privacy of my own silence, I would stand under the shower bawling in tears or in the bed alone kicking myself for all the pretending I was doing. In the end, I was alone and it was all a lie! So, when I hear someone tell me or another, “You just gotta know how to handle it”, I respond with equal indignation, What does that even mean?  What does “handle it” look like?  There’s a person out there who is living on the daily:

Tired of crying. Tired of yelling. Tired of being sad. Tired of pretending. Tired of being alone. Tired of being angry. Tired of being crazy. Tired of feeling stuck. Tired of needing help. Tired of remembering. Tired of missing things. Tired of being different. Tired of missing people. Tired of feeling worthless. Tired of felling empty inside. Tired of not being able to just let go. Tired of wishing they could start all over. Tired of dreaming of a life they will never have. And the worst tired of all is tired of just being tired.  

Sadly there are folks out there who are only equipped to offer “you gotta know how to handle it”?   Shameful!  Women (and men) are dealing, working, coping with their anxieties, burdens, and personal demons in silence.  They are in their homes, in their closets, at the bars, at the stores shopping, and possibly alone with their thoughts trying to deal with or “handle it” in the best ways they know how.  There are cases of individuals who may not acknowledge they are in distress.  Conversely, many of us often miss reaching out to others either because of our own challenges, we are absorbed in our personal daily routines, or simply ignore what is happening right in front of them.   

Well, I am here to tell you, I’m not like everyone else who insensitively will toss out the “you gotta know how to handle it” line.  Allow me to offer a few tangibles – heartfelt and realistic ways to help relieve some of this tiredness. Additionally, bring comfort and ease from “turning on” for others and ignoring your inner voice.

1. Check to see if this tiredness is not connected to a physical matter.  This will require a full medical physical exam.  Low blood pressure, poor diet, extra weight, etc. may be adding to the tiredness you feel. 
2. Identify tired vs. fatigue.  There is a difference.  We all experience tiredness at times, which can be relieved by sleep and rest. Fatigue is when the tiredness is often overwhelming and isn’t relieved by sleep and rest.  This level of fatigue can increase one’s pain and anxiety, light sensitivity, and a general feeling of having less energy than usual.
3. Check on your mental – state of mind.  Trust me; you’ve heard it – mental health is as real as any other form of wellness.  Be equally as intentional of your mental health as you are with your physical and emotional well-being.  Just as you would schedule a mammogram, dentist appointment or a car tune up, schedule some talk time with a trusted professional will help put things in perspective.  Check out mental health sites like www.talkspace.com/online-therapy or if you prefer face to face interaction Psychologist Locator is available https://locator.apa.org/. Inquire of employee benefits available and usually many of these resources will offer a sliding payment scale.
4. Who are in your circle?  Take an active inventory of the people in your life who are dragging or pulling from your emotional and mental tank.  Perhaps those people include your parents, husband, wife, co-workers, drinking buddies, or others.  You know who they are.  Consider whether you are holding on to them because you think they will change.  NO…they will not.  You know what Dr. Maya Angelou said, “when people show you who they are, believe them the first time”.  This does not mean you don’t give folks a second chance but there are people in your circle who are demonstrating consistently they are not right for you and your mental health.  Run, don’t walk away!  Think about whether you fall into one, few or all of these:
   • You feel like you’re being manipulated into something you don’t want to do.
   • You’re constantly confused by the person’s behavior.
   • You feel like you deserve an apology that never comes.
   • You always must defend yourself to this person.
   • You never feel fully comfortable around them.
   • This is a tough one:  What do you contribute to this toxic relationship?  Do you enjoy the attention it brings?  Why?
5. What is in your toxic circle?  Piggybacking off the earlier point, what is in your surroundings that contributes to the mental fatigue you are feeling?  First place I check is my workplace.  Americans spend more time in the workplace (7.94 hours) than they do with their spouses and children in their homes (approximately 2.94 hours).  Therefore, assess and evaluate as transparently as you can whether:
   • Your input isn’t valued.
   • Gossip and rumors run rampant.
   • Bullying from supervisors or peers.
   • Unfair policies and unequal enforcement of them.
   • Narcissistic leadership.
   • Communication issues and lack of transparency.
   • Lack of work-life balance.
   • Low morale.

Let’s treat the emotional and mental exhaustion:

• Eliminate the stressor(s). While not always possible, the best way to treat stress is to eliminate the stressor.  You will experience daily stresses at home and the workplace.  But it is about how to handle those pressures and anxieties.  Stop. Breathe.  Acknowledge some of these anxieties are out of your hands to control. 
• You are what you eat; change it!   For the last year, I have eliminated dairy and meat from my diet and consume a lot of veggies, fruits, and legumes.  Almost instantly, this simple change results in a dual-affect. I feel a lot less sluggish when I get up in the mornings and my mind is much clearer to tackle the day including the people and daily circumstances. So consider what you are putting in your mouth (chemicals, toxins, vitamins, etc. that may be altering your state of being). While we’re here, consider what is coming out of your mouth. What is in our Word Salad?
• Exercise.  In my former life (I’m laughing out loud right now), I used to not enjoy exercise at all because “I did not like to sweat in public”.  For a very long time, I believed sweating was uncomfortable, unbearable, and unattractive.  Today, I realize that I was saying that because I was in this cross-training boot camp that I dreaded.  I was doing exercises that I completely hated doing.  Until I found something I liked.  For me, it is tennis.  Every morning, Monday – Friday, I am jumping out of bed and into my tennis outfit running, swinging, volleying, chasing, and laughing with my other tennis bunnies.  AND yes, I am sweating…a lot!  As a matter of fact, if I am not sweating, I have not moved enough.  I will not bore you with the benefits of sweat and exercise but to tell you, your body will thank you because you are intentionally purifying itself from the toxins and opening yourself to a much sharper and more productive day ahead. 
• Practice mindfulness. Each morning you are blessed with two things, a chance and a choice.  Each morning, I awaken to say thank you for another day and I choose to say thank you.  Daily and purposefully be mindful of YOU!  Check yourself in the mirror.  Who and what are you doing?  Are you mindful of Who your Source is?  Are you mindful of your soul?  Are you aware of the Creator of all things?  Are you living a life of humility and gratitude?  Be mindful of your spirit.  Be mindful of your interactions.  Are you working or are you serving others? Are you involved in your passions? Are you loving and lovable? Be mindful tomorrow is not promised and you have today, right now, the gift of the present.  Be articulate and share thankfulness.  Practice mindfulness in your words and deeds.  You will be amazed at how differently you will feel.
• Connect with a trusted friend.  You’ve heard before and I do not mind telling you again I am completely and irrevocably connected to my tribe.  I can count them on both hands the men and women to whom I entrust my life.  They pray for me, support me, advise me, call me on the carpet, laugh and cry with me, travel with me, sing with me, argue with me, resolve issues with me, etc.  Not all at the same time (thank God).  Each has their purpose and their moments with me.  I trust them and hope they trust me. You want to surround yourself with people who will help you feel safe in the best way they can without becoming too dependent upon them.
• Take a break.  Did you know Americans do not know how to take vacation?  Yes, that means you and I have struggled with how to turn it off.  (Note to self:  this may be another blog.  Mmmm… stay tuned)  Compared to the other well-developed countries on the planet, the harsh reality, the U.S. is ranked as the “NO VACATION NATION” particularly because our employers do not make vacations mandatory.  In the meantime, here are a few ways to take a break from the day to day and enter a quiet place to refresh, relate and release.  Yes, if you don’t work, you don’t eat but you and your family will not be able to eat, if you are not able to work. Turn off the ringers on your phones.  Put on the headphones, block out the cars and fire engines but welcome nature sounds, sit outside on the porch with coffee and read a favorite book.  Take a moment to stop and recharge.  Even the best, high-performing automobiles have charging stations.  And, I have never seen a TESLA recharge while moving.  Yes, you are entitled and deserve to take a break.

Finally, the most concrete approach to dealing with the “tiredness” mode is a spirit-based one.  I confess, there were years of “turning it on” even as a Believer of Christ. Many Christians are faking it too. Perhaps because what would it look like to have the Lord on my side and not be okay? It caused me to question my relationship with God. Was it real? Does God know I’m here? When I was through crying and complaining, I listened. In the stillness of my aloneness, I heard the words, “Rest in Me”. Over the years, resting in God means setting realistic goals, establishing boundaries, and maintaining balance. My relationship with Jesus Christ is critical to maintaining balance, which is key.  God will remind you when you are off balance.  When you are expending more time on people or things that take away time to focus and meditate on Him, you will begin to feel that uncomfortable anxiety and weariness.  Though He knows you will feel daily stuggles, He offers these words of encouragement:

Matthew 11:28-30 (NLT) ²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Mark 6:31 (NLT) ³¹ Then Jesus said, “Let’s go off by ourselves to a quiet place and rest awhile.”

Psalm 4:8 (NLT) ⁸ In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe.

Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT) ⁶ Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

My personal favorite, Isaiah 40:29-31 (NLT)

²⁹ He gives power to the weak
    and strength to the powerless.
³⁰ Even youths will become weak and tired,
    and young men will fall in exhaustion.
³¹ But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
    They will walk and not faint.

Meditate on these scriptures and then welcome the almost instantaneous peace that will comfort you.  Yes, there will be times when you will be tired of being tired.  Yes, you will be overwhelmed with the pressures of this world and the life you are living.  Yes, there will be “life demons” who will distract you and further tempt and torture you to remain in the pit of despair.  I cannot promise you that with a snap of my fingers or after reading this post, all will disappear, but I do offer options.  Perhaps more than what you’ve had offered to you before.  To those “handle it folks”, my prayer is that you look around you and identify the tired. Share with them your genuine truth. Be the pillow or the listening ear. Share love and compassion with someone you know who is struggling.  Be the ear and the heart God would want you to be.  You will be surprised at the magnificent ways God will use you when you least expect it.

…now what, Linda