“My God, my God, why have you FORSAKEN (ABANDONED) me?”
– Matthew 27:46
Recovery is a process. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes everything you’ve got.
– Unknown
In the spirit of looking at the glass as half full, I am open to the life lessons I learn along the way. I try to stay optimistic and enthusiastic about my future. I must admit, that was not always the case. Particularly in my teens and amid my trauma, I did not believe in silver linings.
Some believe this pandemic season, since 2020 to present, to be a traumatic, stressful, and life-changing experience. For many of us, we have never lived through anything like this. Adults and children are adjusting to working at home, children in virtual classrooms, maintaining distance from family and friends, mask mandates, post-Trump shenanigans, deaths of loved ones and celebrities, all of it has required many of us to adjust and acclimate as best as needed. Nevertheless, it is an intensely profound experience for many of us. And for some, it is exposing our strengths and weaknesses in how we hope to overcome. Based on the conversations I am having with my peers, young people, and families, it takes everything in their inner-being to just make it through the day.
Trauma, in its simplistic terms is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. For everyone, this deeply distressing or disturbing encounter is as personal, specific, and intense as it is for the individual experiencing it. I am making a bold statement here – “I cannot identify one person in my circle who has not been born into, born as a result of or endured some aspect of trauma”. No matter your social class, ethnic background, or financial and educational attainment, or your faith you are not exempt from either experiencing or observing a traumatic event. It will change you one way or the other!
“Childhood trauma can lead to an adulthood spent in survival mode, afraid to plant roots, to plan for the future, to trust, and to let joy in. It’s a blessing to shift from surviving to thriving. It’s not simple, but there is more than survival.”
– Unknown
Trauma shows up in our lives in all sorts of ways. If you’re an adult with unresolved childhood trauma, it will manifest itself in grown-up toxic relationships, difficulty with intimacy and deep love, or struggle to demonstrate and/or feeling empathy. Personally, one of the ways my childhood traumas exhibited itself in my life was in an intense need for perfection. To avoid negativity or criticism, I worked, double-checked, and worked longer and harder to ensure every detail was completed and intact. I am not a therapist and never played one on television, but one of the ways I learned to overcome the harsh memories of my traumatic childhood, included facing the people who harmed me as well as my reflection in the mirror.
As you may recall in previous posts, I am abundantly clear about my faith in God. I make a deliberate choice to place my sanity in the hands of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ every day. The foundation of all I do and say rests in my faith. Some days are easier than others. Some days, I am confident and caring and then on other days I am uncomfortable and isolate myself from others. So, you may ask, well if you rely on Jesus, Why do you still struggle with the pain of your past? Where is God in making the memory go away? How can a loving God allow such terrible things to happen?
Those are all extremely valid and honest questions. I’m going to try to address a few fundamental points. First, God does not do anything bad or unloving toward us. Because God is the very definition of love, there is just no way He would do or say anything opposite His character. God is incapable of doing anything that is against or contrary to his nature.
Next, I am not alone in my struggles to overcome my past hurts. Our struggles are meant to draw us closer to God. How, you ask? Through prayer and meditation. I am handing over to God everything that hurts and bothers me and trusting He will bring comfort, relief, and perhaps handle the justice. As you develop the desire of building relationship with God (by reading the Bible, praying, or having conversations with other Believers) you will begin to experience a sense of calm the moment your mind heads over to that painful memory. I am certain you have heard family, friends or your pastor or priest telling you, “Everything happens for a reason”. Though it is true, that is not what many want to hear, at first, because it does not provide the tangible “fix” we all want at that time. Trust me, the last thing I wanted to hear following my sister passed away was “Everything happens for a reason”. Real talk, I wanted my sister alive, healthy, and present with her children, siblings, mommy, friends, and co-workers. In the moment I received the call that my sister drew her last breath, I saw it as God letting me down. I did everything that was expected of me during this time – I prayed, fasted, and steadfastly trusted in the miracle of healing. Yet it didn’t prevent her passing. It appeared I had not done enough. I failed in doing my part. However, what was resuscitated was my prayer life, my relationship with God, my bond with my niece and nephew and finally the relationship with my baby brother and his family. Most importantly, my sister is in the presence of God with no more pain watching the rest of us on earth.
Below are some more of what God says about trauma and suffering.
- God is present and in control of our suffering. In times of great suffering and pain, we often feel the farthest from God. Even Jesus at the height of his pain on the cross cries out “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46). In our limited human perspective, pain and suffering seem contrary to our idea of a sovereign God who is good and loving. We think that God blinked and wasn’t able to stop this traumatic event or He isn’t really a loving God. However, we cannot dismiss our choices and free will as well as the consequences of those choices.
- God is good and cares for us. Self-sacrifice is the ultimate act of love. As mentioned earlier, God is the very definition of love and care for us.
- Through our trails and suffering we have an opportunity to draw closer to God. During the easy times we often become self-reliant, forgetting our need for God. It is in the hard times, when our faith is tested, that we recognize our need for complete dependency on Him. We must look to God to be your first choice and not your last resort – no matter what you are going through or when everything is going along smoothly.
- Jesus understands what it is to suffer. We do not worship a distant, unapproachable God. We worship a God that knows what it is to be human. Therefore, He knows what it to be human. Throughout Jesus’ life, he experienced all types of persecution and suffering. If Jesus can deal with it, I am certain we can. We can take great comfort in the fact that God can relate to us on our level, He understands what it is to suffer.
- Our identity is grounded in Christ. Our identity is not defined by traumatic events or suffering but is grounded in Christ. God does not see you as a victim. He sees you as His child. As children (metaphorically) we must seek Christ in the good and the bad times. Once we understand our identity in Christ, we can begin to open ourselves to therapy, and self-care.
Healing includes hope, grace, and mercy. Healing is about you. Your healing doesn’t need a stamp of approval, don’t worry about how long it takes or how ugly it may seem. It’s about you! This includes facing the hurts and memories. Healing happens when you’re triggered and you’re able to move through the pain, the pattern, the memory. Walk your way to a different ending. Calling out all my encouragers and friends who are on the other end of the phone or who sit through the hours of conversation. Shout out to these special friends who strain to find the right words to motivate the other. My heart goes out to you. I am so proud of your intentions to serve another. Be of good cheer; there has never been a storm that did not end.
…now what, Linda
now what, Linda? 