Guilt is one of those emotions that feeds on itself. With every bite it gets a little heavier.
Robert E. Dunn
Guilt is the thief of life.
Anthony Hopkins
Is it only me but have you ever felt the kind of guilt that confronts the part of you who you’re ashamed and embarrassed about? Does that shame consume you daily, weekly, or longer? Are you rehashing the same experience or episode over and over in your mind? Does it feel like there is no way out of the cycle of remembering what has happened?
No matter how often you recall the experience, it doesn’t change. In fact, each time you remember it, you start thinking about the things you could have said or should have done differently to either calm the situation or resolve it amicably. Personally, in all of my remembering, new emotions and ideas snowball the situation into some uncontrollable lump of “stuff”. Meanwhile life is passing us by as we remain distracted by the guilt, or the guilty feelings and we miss critical moments for hope, gratitude, and reconciliation.
It is said that the brain is the powerhouse of this kind of guilt. Take it from me it makes complete sense. The brain is the first organ that is spent with processing our thoughts, our feelings, and all the range of emotions. Guilt is described as a self-conscious emotion that involves negative evaluations of the self, feelings of distress and feelings of failure. Some of the outward signs of such guilt is manifested in anxiety and lots of crying. When I think about those guilt moments in my life, very often, it was the result of either something I chose to do of my own free will or an unexpected experience.
I have vivid memories of moments in my childhood where I was clearly disobedient and suffered the consequences of the breaking the rules. One such time was a summer Sunday, early afternoon at 12 years old. I wanted so badly to ride my bike and play in the park. My mom told me to wait until after we all had our family meal with my dad before he went to work. However, I was impatient. I defiantly pulled out my bike with the intention of sneaking a ride close by and getting back to lunch without anyone knowing. When out of nowhere, a car slammed into my left side and tossed me several feet from my bike. My mom says that when she heard the car streak, she knew it was me on the other side of the incident. In all the commotion that followed, I remember my dad held me until the ambulance came. He didn’t make it to work that day. My mom brought food in a Tupperware container – would you believe it – my favorite meal. Despite the pain and discomfort of a fractured thigh and other bruises, the deepest discomfort was the guilt in not listening to my mom. Believe me when I tell you that each day following that Sunday, I nursed a guilty conscience with and without my mother’s assistance. I recall all the missed summer days to ride my bike, go to the park and play with my friends, and the missing my classmates the first half of 6th grade to be homeschooled. It was a tough time in my home and the last thing I wanted to do was spend any free time in my room. Being outdoors with my friends allowed me to experience freedom and peace of mind.
Perhaps you have had a similar situation occur in your life. Suffice it to say, the memory may possibly torment you today. The guilt combined with feelings of shame, anxiety, frustration, and humiliation is unbearable. It is especially made more difficult if we never admit to ourselves that we were at fault. I will tell you I did not, nor did I want to admit to my part in this situation. Today, in thinking back on that moment, I was arrogantly looking at this experience as to what happened to me and did not once consider the repercussions my siblings and parents had to endure, as well. Yes, accidents happen. Sadly, I learned the “hard way what my impatience and selfishness will get me” versus calm and consideration.
Guilt belongs in the past. Begin letting it go. Strengthen your resilience. Build your confidence.
Unknown
There is also the agonizing unexpected scenarios which blindside us. The trauma of abuse and mistreatments leave us broken in our adulthoods. In many of these situations whether we experience them as children or as adults, the perpetrator of the abuse brainwashes us into believing we are the culprits. The greater offense is we believe it and carry the guilt for a lifetime. We struggle with understanding the “why “and the “who” of the experience. Finally, we must overcome the “how” we will deal with life moving forward with the memory of this heartache imprinted in our minds.
For many Believers of Christ, taking the steps toward healing is a hard thing to do. While our faith is present, it does not wipe away the human elements of how we go about processing the heartache and the guilt. I imagine it may be even more difficult for the men, women, and children who do not have a faith in a faithful God who demonstrates love, gentleness, and kindness especially during times of distress.
One of the biggest hurdles Believers must overcome is the truth of what our faith in Christ brings to every situation. First, our faith does not exempt us from experiences that bring us guilt, heartache, hurt, pain, shame, and distress. Conversely, our faith does bring comfort, love, faithfulness, forgiveness, calm, strength, cleansing, confidence, purity, companionship, judgement, and so much more. Most importantly, our faith grants us another day and another chance to live. Our Christ, who knew no sin, walking perfection, experienced all kinds of torment including heckling, testing, and countless rebukes and criticisms from rabbis, scholars, religious leaders, and skeptical townspeople. Finally, the Bible speaks to the eventual tortures He endured on His way to the Cross.
Keeping this in mind is crucial to our understanding how big our God is when it comes to confronting the cruelties of this world. The enemy of this world is employing every strategy to bring Believers into shame and disgrace. One of the first things I had to reform my mind to learn is that no matter what I go through on this earth, God is with me, thus I am never alone. No matter what the culprit may do to me, there will be tears and I will wish to take vengeance against him or her, but God gives me so much more. Yes, I will have to endure the humanness of what has happened to me but knowing that God is ever present and ever able to do what He will do brings me peace of mind.
There have been so many occasions in my life where God has come through on situations that have superseded what I could have done if left to my own devices. I have had to overcome the residue of verbal and emotional childhood abuse. I have been raised in an environment of guilt when I did not comply with my parents wishes or shaming me into “learning my lesson”. Even today, remnants of those effects still have an impact on how I react and respond to people and events. I have experienced examples of envy or jealousy. There were colleagues and classmates who have ventured to embarrass and shame me because of my progressive ideas or accomplishments.
Just when I spend too much time remembering and heading toward a place of embarrassment or humiliation, I shift to a place of gratitude. I begin to thank God for the chance to breathe, to see the sun, smell the flowers, feel the wind on my skin, to taste spicy food and hear the bird’s chirp. I will admit to times when I wanted to report the indiscretions and get back at my offenders by shaming them in return. But I must trust God who promises me: HE alone “will set a table in the presence of my enemies”. I believe this to be true as long as I remain humble and industrious; while trusting God to do what He will do. I have observed an extra bonus; positive shifts in the outcome not only benefit me but also my supporters around me. That’s how big God is in situations where you let go of your own control and allow God to do His will.
Sadly, this world, our culture looks at vulnerability and transparency as weaknesses. On the other hand, it takes incredible courage to admit our pain, fear, and mistakes. Self-compassion gives us the courage to see things clearly. If each of us who were the subject of pain and hurt or we acted as the offenders onto others, took the first step toward calling out the wrong, talking, taking responsibility for the part we played, apologizing, learning, and forgiving, it would be a different world. I believe God offers us free-will chose our “wrongs” and the chance to change direction to choose what is right. Making that shift is not easy. Yet it is possible. God honors the attempts we make to surrender our need to be in control because He is control of the result.
Even as I write this, I recall times when I was the source of the embarrassment towards another person. Immediately afterwards, I felt great guilt in my behavior. I was ashamed of the humiliation I had caused to someone. No matter how much I tried to forget it, ignore it, or distract myself from not remembering it, God would place this in front of me so He can lovingly teach me on how to behave differently. In the times when I get angry and want to lash out, God will pluck my heart or shoot a reminder to follow the “Don’t Be Mean” policy. When I am done pouting and ask God for His forgiveness, I must also ask for an opportunity to apologize and make amends to the one I offended. My desire to please God with my life motivates me to do better. You see, we cannot call ourselves Believers of God and not try to be respectful to His character and direction.
A few scriptures which continue to guide me where guilt, shame, and anxiety rear its ugly heads:
- “…whosoever believes on Him shall not be ashamed”. – Romans 10:11
- “Let nothing be done through strife or vain glory, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem the other better than themselves” – Philippians 2:3
- Unfailing love and faithfulness make atonement for sin. By fearing the LORD, people avoid evil. – Proverbs 16:6
- A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. – Proverbs 15:1
- Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. – Philippians 3:13(b)
- But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. – I John 1:9
- Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God. – I John 3:19
- When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away and I groaned all day long. – Psalm 32:3
- Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean, wash me and I will be whiter than snow. – Psalm 51:7
- Against You, and You alone have I sinned, I have done what is evil in Your sight. You will be proved right in what You say, and Your judgement against me is just. – Psalm 51:4
To love God is to follow His leadership. Nevertheless, our efforts at living a life free of guilt will require stopping at the point of selfishness. Thinking of others before ourselves is the closest to perfect way we must behave to honor God. Frankly, we easily look to God as our Savior who is excellent at saving us from hell but rarely revere God as our Lord. Doing so, places our surrender in His hands as a deliberate first choice and not as the last resort. The confidence to handling and living a fulfilled and fruitful life requires we first have a relationship with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
If you dare to ask Him into your heart, I dare you to admit to a change to your circumstances.
….now what, Linda
now what, Linda? 