Your toxic parents may charm the pants off of perfect strangers, your friends, and more distant relatives. All of which just appears to make you out to be the bad guy.
The Brighthill Lantern
The Bible teaches us to, “Honor your father and mother that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” (Ep. 6:2-3) However, what happens when the relationship with your parents is toxic? How should we navigate relationships that cause harm to our mental, physical, and spiritual health? Ironically enough, my aging parent is presently living with me in my home and now more than ever, I have been actively reconciling the memories of our interactions and how I manage to care for her, as an adult.
It is said, karma has excellent GPS. It would have never dawned on me (in this lifetime) that I would become obligated to care, protect, and love the very person who caused me so much pain as a child. I am no longer an adolescent but an educated, successful, and content individual despite my past experiences with the duty to honor the parent who pained me.
Whether we want it or not, our parents play a major role in shaping us mentally and emotionally.
I knew early on no one is perfect, yet my parents had raised my siblings and I to believe that they were the second coming of Jesus Christ. Their impressions of unconditional love were instead marked by years of shame and criticisms. Their controlling and verbal abuse marked us significantly. We believed this was normal until we recognized it wasn’t and we were stuck. How can we make it stop? How can we escape? Where would we go? Over time these unfortunate circumstances imprinted on all of us in very significant ways. This is what compelled me to leave my home at 17 and escape what I later characterized as a dysfunctional family; specifically toxic parenting. Ultimately, moving to Los Angeles, CA (3,000+ miles away) was a tangible way to escape and find healing for my mind, spirit, and soul. Sometimes it is better to love from afar than to continue a toxic cycle of exposure of such negativity and damaging effects.
Toxic parenting involves parents who seem to carry a promise of love and care, but at the same time, mistreat their children. They partake in parenting styles that inflict on-going and repetitive trauma, abuse, humiliation, and ill-will. They don’t treat their children with respect as individuals, compromise, take responsibility for their behavior, nor are they likely to apologize. They lack compassion and nurturing abilities and are more concerned with their own needs than worrying about whether what they are doing is harmful or damaging. Toxic parents care more about how you make them look than how you feel.
There are a few of my friends who believe that culture and upbringing have a lot to do with how parents live and raise their children. And from a super spiritual standpoint, the adult survivor must divinely forgive and embrace the parent. While it makes sense in theory, in practice it doesn’t hold water. Our flawed natures, our individual characters and personalities prevent us from seeing the “bright side” or their side of the relationship. It really takes a divine, Godly approach to pardon someone who has offended us. But as a dear friend reminded me, “God loves everyone – the Believer and the sinner. God is giving everyone a chance to seek redemption from their wrongs. It is up to us (the Believers) to demonstrate Godly fruits (kindness, peace, love, self-control, patience, generosity, faithfulness, joy, peace) in order that the sinner may recognize righteous behavior, confess, and apologize”. From my seat, I don’t see it the way God sees it. The process takes time; for some a lifetime or never at all. I/We must find comfort in knowing we did right by others in spite of our pain. Yes, we are all going the extra mile. Yes, we are all being the bigger and better person. Ultimately, each of us will have to be held accountable for our part in how we treat others – particularly those who hurt us the most. So, during this time of caring for a parent as an adult, there are few things I must intentionally labor through. Perhaps these will help you, too!
Determine Whether a Relationship Is Possible
Before you make any major decisions decide whether this is a relationship that you want to repair or walk away from. As adults, it’s important to have a certain level of discernment when it comes to protecting your peace. Above all, God wants us to prosper and be in good mental and physical health. We should not feel guilty if we chose to avoid or to limit our contact with toxic parents to protect that.
Do Not Let Their Words Define Who You Are
Understand that your parents’ words or hurt come from a place of pain. You know how the saying goes, “Hurt people, hurt people.” Unfortunately, many people allow their parents toxic behavior to define them. When you strengthen your relationship with God, He will show you that He has a different definition of who you are. Never let the toxicity of your parents define who you are, even if they are your parents.
Recognize Your Parents’ Behaviors as Toxic
At first when our parents say and do toxic things, we tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. We chalk it up to, “That’s just how they are”. That may be true but that doesn’t mean that you are not obliged to accept that behavior. Recognize the behavior for what it is and address it as such.
Forgive Your Parents
Forgiving toxic parents is a difficult kind of forgiving and it can take time and a lot of painful healing. Sometimes we must face the difficult childhood stuff to get to a place of peace. The pain that you endure from childhood doesn’t go away overnight and it often requires that you have hard conversations. As difficult as the process of forgiving is it guides us in letting go of resentment and emotional pain. When you decide to forgive your parents, you stop obsessing over how wrong they did you and you start to heal. You must let go of all the things you thought you needed to move forward. Leave your parents in God’s hands, pray for them, and move on. 1 Peter 4:8 “And above all things have fervent love for one another, for love will cover a multitude of sins.”
Set Boundaries
One sure fire way to protect yourself from toxic parents is to set boundaries. Some ways to get started setting boundaries are limit unexpected visits, limit aggressive arguing, and limit oversharing. When you set boundaries with a toxic parent one of two things may happen. They may take it as a personal attack, or they will ask you to explain and then respect or dismiss them. Either way, set and keep your boundaries.
In the end, the most important thing to remember when dealing with toxic parents is that they are human. To live a healthy and joy-filled life, you must protect yourself against actions and words that cause pain. You are not the reason for the problem. The fact you noticed the issue exists is proof you are the one willing to make the change.
now what, Linda? 