The influence of a mother in the lives of her children is beyond calculation.
James E. Faust
Honor your father and your mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God is giving you.
Exodus 20:12 (NLT)
Celebrating Mothers and Fathers has it challenges. The world sets aside one day in May and June, respectively to give honor to parents. (Sidenote: when is Children’s Day scheduled?) The mere idea of celebrating our parents on their special distinct days’ triggers a wide range of emotions and places unnecessary pressure on adult children. This weekend, mothers will receive gifts, flowers, served breakfast in bed or taken to dinner as tangible reflections of love and adoration.
On the other hand, there are some adult children who are experiencing significant anxiety and uneasiness about this weekend. Personally, I am no exception. Firstly, I am honoring my beautiful sister who is also a mom to two amazing kids. I am considering what my niece and nephew are going through this year without their mom around to have dinner or laugh over the phone with them. And there are dear friends of mine who have lost their moms too and find the weekend a time of reflection and mourning.
In the context of honoring your mom after she has passed away, consider a few of these options:
- Carry on special traditions you and your mom used to enjoy together – shopping, cooking, baking, or watching movies.
- Write her a card or letter.
- Visit her grave site or a special place she would stopover.
- Plan a celebration with siblings.
- Make a memory quilt.
- Dedicate an event to them.
- Talk it out and share your heart about your mother.
Second, how do we celebrate our mothers when our memories and expectations of our them are less than honorable? How do we handle it with God’s grace and love?
The Greek word for honor is timao (pronounced tim-ah’-o). The definitions includes fix a valuation upon, by implication, to revere: honor, value) or time (pronounced tee-may) which means to ascribe value, esteem, or treat as precious and valuable.
The problem with evaluating these Greek terms timao or time through our human filters and perspectives is that we presume that if one is honorable then we can then treat them with honor. According to God’s perspective, however, respect earned, but honor is given. There is a big difference between those concepts. I imagine, like all of us, our parents are not perfect. Therefore, operating on the same grace that all of us require of God.
There is always going to be a gap between the ideal standards and expectations and what is real. The spiritual enemy notices the gap and wants you to fill the gap with accusations and criticisms and dishonor. If the enemy hears you repeatedly declare the woes of our controlling mothers, neglectful fathers, or abusive and toxic parents, you spend less effort in forgiving and healing from those real hurts and traumas. The enemy enjoys seeing Believers behave counter to the will of Christ. Christ’s love and forgiveness is a threat to how the world observes how adults deal with one another.
What does honor do?
Honor assumes the best. It esteems generously. It ascribes value. In fact, in Romans 12 (New Testament) Paul writes that we are to out-do one another in demonstrating honor. Giving honor to your parents, friends and work colleagues is an intentional act of your will to cut them slack; extend grace.
How to honor your mother when she does not deserve it?
Show them a healthy love. Show them love by being kind when they make and break promises. Talk to them about how disappointed you are about your relationship. Set boundaries about what you will and will not accept.
Treat them with respect. Talk kindly to them. Even if you don’t agree with them or if they mistreat and disrespect you, take the high road. It may not feel fair when you have to act more mature than your parents, but you’ll be able to rest your head on your pillow knowing you did the right thing.
Forgive. Parents make mistakes – knowingly and unknowingly. Children do not come with instruction manuals and neither do parents. They do the best they can with what they know, and they still mess up. I have had to actively cut my parents slack on the small stuff. Yes, parents who have been abusive or manipulative, forgiveness may take a lot longer to achieve. Remember, forgiveness is more about them you than it is about them. They may never say they are sorry, and they may never ask you to forgive; but forgiving is your choice. It is a choice between holding on to the hurt or saying yes to the freedom found in letting go o something that cannot be changed.
I celebrate the amazing Mothers, Stepmoms, Auntie-moms, Grandmas, Godmothers and Mother figures out there who deliberately develop and feed healthy relationships with their children. Kudos to you for making God’s love so available to your children. Happy Mother’s Day to you beautiful parents who endure the challenge to raise their daughters and sons into responsible, kind, and productive adults in spite of what really happened. To God be the glory…
…now what, Linda
now what, Linda? 