Adulting with AGING PARENTS

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant.

1 Corinthians 13:4 ESV

Recently, I came across an Instagram reel from a Latina sister expressing her distress over having denied her mom a request she had made of her.  She conveyed how awful (not her word, mine) she felt after she told her mom NO. She, like me, a daughter of immigrant parents translated documents and stood as the English-speaking spokesperson for doctors’ appointments and various social services my mom and dad required. This practice became common place.  She continued to share how she felt a profound guilt for having told her mom NO to completing a task that perhaps her mom could have done herself.  As my fellow comrade continued sharing her story, we were linked by experience in enabling a habit of behavior that willingly (or otherwise) acquiesces to our aging parents. I was kindred to her and millions of Latina women who are in the position of caring for their Mami’s and Papi’s.

In the scenario, my sister was simply exhausted. And she noted that while she may have been completely justified, she still carried a profound guilt at not being able to be okay with sharing her true feelings of exhaustion to her mom. Traditions be damned, she used this experience as a teaching moment for herself and her mom. Thankfully, I was able to see this as a teaching moment for me, too!

Adult daughters of Latin culture, since the beginning of time, have been bound to the traditions and beliefs which include caring for our aging parents at all costs.  Our culture is well known for its focus on family values, especially care for the elderly and young. In fact, it typically perceives caregiving for elderly relatives as a duty and one would be ashamed to be unable to care for them. These traditions included often moving our aging parents into our homes.  In some cases, adult daughters downsize their lives and move back into the family home so as to not uproot their parents from what is comfortable.

Speaking as a Latina and the eldest daughter, I have been sandwiched between two principles, the first I am the caregiver as a manner of fulfilling a desire to “repay” my parents for past nurturance and care.  The second is I am the caregiver who is obligated to lend care to my aging parents because finances prohibits placing the aging parent(s) into a subsidized senior facility.  There is a third and even more compelling position emanated from the University of Reality best articulated by the late great Sydney Poitier in the film masterpiece, “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner”. The actor announces to his retired parent that he owed his father nothing for doing what his father was obligated to do as parent and provider for their child(ren).

With an aging population and a generation of young adults struggling to achieve financial independence, the burdens and responsibilities of middle-aged Americans are increasing. Caring for a parent as adult children can be both a rewarding and difficult position and requires a lot of self evaluation and self-care.

Nearly half (47%) of adults in their 40s and 50s have a parent aged 65 or older and are either raising a young child or financially supporting a grown child (age 18 or older). And about one-in-seven middle-aged adults (15%) is providing financial support to both an aging parent and a child.

KIM PARKER AND EILEEN PATTEN, The Sandwich Generation
Rising Financial Burdens for Middle-Aged Americans

Three-in-ten Hispanic adults (31%) have a parent aged 65 or older and a dependent child.

I recognized quite early in my life that I lacked the nurturer gene. Caregiving is a gift which I do not have. Accepting this limitation, I settled into my adulthood not expecting at anytime to receive my mother into my home. Besides, she had two other children upon whom she can depend.  Suddenly, I received the call that would change my life as I knew it.  The following week, my mom was residing at my home full time.

Almost immediately I noticed how dependent she was on me to provide not only the bare essentials, but she required interaction, which means hours of conversation I could not afford to spare since I still have a job to get to at 7:00am.  Secondarily, I realized the reason why she depended so heavily on me is because we did not do our part in affirming and bolstering her independence.  If I was to continue to maintain some semblance of the life, I had established for myself, it would require a combination of re-learning and new introductions to new things and ideas.

1. Include my mom in the decision making.  Big or small (and whether we are in a time crunch) I involve her in making choices. I am regularly tempted to make those choices for her to avoid a long-drawn-out discussion, but I must remember she is not a child.
2. I introduced my mom to other methods of technology.  She has a smart phone. Therefore, she can use her WhatsApp to speak with grandchildren and friends.  But I also introduced her to bank apps and calendar features which allow her to be more involved in her interactions and scheduling.
3. Establish a safe and secure living environment.  I immediately removed rugs and other obstacles that would make mobility a challenge. She definitely makes the most of freely moving about the cabin.
4. Transportation is key. Thank God for ride-share apps and other senior sponsored ground transportation programs which allow her to schedule round trips to doctor appointments or theatre. Access to the market or the local CVS serves as a tangible reminder that she can do things on her own.
5. Encouraging my mother to think through processes.  For the most part, my mom relies on me to provide the quick answer and meet needs; even those she can do for herself. But because it is easier to call me to schedule an appointment or read a letter or respond to a service provider, she will not engage. Lately, when I accompany her to doctor’s appointments I stand back and urge her to check in with the Receptionist.  I designate opportunities in which she can carry on business calls with the SSA or Medicare offices.  What’s more wonderful is that these phone calls can be done in English and Spanish.  She can now listen and speak in her native tongue without me doing it for her.

The adult child is attempting to fulfill a life of their own. Usually included in the mix are husbands/wives, boyfriends/girlfriends, and children of their own. The subtleties of living with an aging parent requires a level of patience and long-suffering that often, all of us do not have.  Personally, I have watched adjustments taking place in my home which have triggered many snaps and short fuses. It is in those moments that I must walk away and decompress. 

Most importantly, I give myself permission to say NO. I set realistic boundaries just as I would any relationship. I take the time to explain my thoughts, as I would another adult.  My mother is an adult and I must handle her accordingly.

…now what, Linda