Loss is real!

There is no handbook for when you are born and try as you might, there sure is no handbook for when you die.

Funeral homes are known for having pamphlets on deck with beautiful photos of green trees and hills where “your loved one’s may find their final resting place”. They provide at the ready, price quotes for the silk-lined coffins made of mahogany or pine in a glossy finish. Funeral directors will compassionately address all the questions for how best a family will come together to honor their loved one either in a full-blown service with all the fixings or a cremation.

Nevertheless, there is no way I could have been sufficiently prepared for the profound depth of emotions I felt at the time of my sister’s passing. Her passing was not sudden. She was diagnosed in February 2020 and went on to glory in June 2020. In those four months, the emotional rollercoaster was devastating.

My emotions were tied to several things including my niece who instantly stepped into the role of her mom’s primary caretaker, my sister’s discomfort, our mom’s distress at not being at her child’s bedside, my interactions with doctors, and navigating the bureaucracy associated with her employer, her tax preparer, and social security. Amid all this, America was under strict lockdown due to the COVID-19 pandemic and personally, I was across the country under WFH quarantine. Daily, I was online or on the phone with my niece, procuring information, dates, addresses, and other details. Just getting information from a resource was so dreadful. Potential security risks made it almost impossible to get basic information because it became such a puzzle to prove I was related to her. Checking on my sister’s condition was a challenge too. I was often frustrated trying to discern between what the doctor would tell me versus what the nurses would say to my niece. There were feelings attached to every phone call I had with my sister. We laughed at the silliness of old memories. We laughed at the practical jokes and the reruns of Sex in the City. Then there were the calls when she would inject the conversation with “Linda, what am I supposed to do?” Or she would just burst into tears, just because. I was completely helpless. My BIG SISTER superhero skills were worthless. I was unclear about how and what to say to help her wrap her head over her illness or calm her anxiety about what she was leaving behind. She wanted more time with her daughter who was now an adult sharing life together. She wanted to see her son graduate university. She wanted to watch her kids get married and hold her grandbabies. How do I speak to her? How do I ease her distress?

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”

Erma Bombeck

On the day, my niece called to inform me that my sister passed away, I had been finalizing my plans to take another sneak flight to NY to spend more time with them. In the moments following the call, a $325 coach round trip ticket turned into a $2,400⁺ first class flight, as it was the only seat available. Next, contacting my employer, scheduling with the funeral home, calling upon friends to handle mail drops, garbage pickups and lawn services. Pack my luggage, empty the fridge of perishables, take out the trash, and arrange for transport to the airport. While the mind is consumed with the vast to do list, it does not have time to properly process the loss.

Once my girlfriends arrived in my home, alcohol became a means to an end. I wanted to numb myself sufficiently so I can make it through TSA and a 5 1/2 hours red-eye flight to New York. News of my tragedy spread fast. There were a lot of phone calls. Once on the plane, I wrapped myself in the blanket. The attendant heard my tears and noticed how distraught I was even with the mask covering the bottom half of my face. I was grateful she provided distance to be alone with my hurt. I was in the fetal position up until the time I heard the pilot announce our descent into JFK. During the car ride to the house, I marshalled all my strength to keep from crying in front of my niece.

No matter how much you plan, you are never prepared. I was not.  I was aware cognitively of what was going to happen to my sister, but I was not in tuned emotionally with the profound loss of my dear heart. To date, I am randomly feeling something connected to my sister. She had a such a strong presence in my life; there is no birthday, song, movie, memory, color, trip, meal, a reaction that does not remind me of my sister. I will be washing dishes and begin to cry. Cleaning out the tub and cry.

When you are at this point, do not deny yourself the opportunity to weep.  Weep hard!  Permit yourself to express every emotion.  When alone let it out!  For me, being alone is precious. Being alone is comforting, particularly in times of distress, introspection or tragedy.  I do not have to worry about hearing folks sweetly “shush” me or rub my back.  I am aware of many instances where the grieving person must remain dignified in their grief to not upset others.  Yet, while keeping a stiff upper lip, they are welling up inside.  In those cases, excuse yourself.  Go to another room.  Or simply make a note to take a walk to a park, a beach or around the block a few times to allow time to compose yourself until you have extensive time alone.  Conversely, if you feel comforted by having people around, make it happen.  For you, having a few close and dear family or friends may be what you need to bring solace and peace to your soul.  In those cases, having family and friends near serves as a warm blanket.  

Whatever feelings you feel to get through the next few days, months, years of your loss – recognize it; express it.  You will be angry.  Anger will not bring your loved one back.  You will be extremely distraught.  Sadness will not bring your loved one back.  You may be impatient or fearful of your future.  That anxiety will not bring your loved one back.  For me, the comfort was believing she was in the presence of God because she claimed a relationship with Him.

See the loss for what it is and be encouraged in time, the loss will be a bit easier to handle.  The tears of sadness will soon be replaced with tears of sweet happiness and joy of their memories with you.  And in all seasons and storms, this too shall pass.

…now what?

Things to consider

• Plan in advance as best you can. Although there are a few lists out there about what to do when someone dies, many of those items overlap even before you make the call to 911 or to the funeral home.
• Be aware of what the body does after your loved one takes his/her last breath
• If you are traveling out of town, create an easy to follow to do list for your gardener, mail, etc.
• Appoint a contact responsible for specific tasks versus one person doing it all.
• Create an emergency binder for those in your family
• Take note of all the emotions you are feeling
• Be mindful of the relationships and friendships of your loved one. They are grieving too. I represented one part of sister’s life, while significant she had other dear friendships that were just as meaningful.
• Remember this time of grieving is not entirely about you. When in the midst of groups or gatherings it is easier to share fond, funny or witty memories where the focus is on your loved one.
• Be mindful, there may be some ex’s or persons who will want to make their peace and possibly make it uncomfortable for the rest of the family. Again, it is not about you. Give them their chance to make amends. Sadly, they may be dwelling in their own regrets and are trying to reconcile those.
• While your mind is busily handling things, greeting family and friends, making funeral arrangements, ordering food or storing it away, make time for yourself to process all your emotions.
  • I wrote all of them down. Put on some movies, real tear jerkers, and I wept. I wept hard. I cried in the shower. I cried at the beach (one of her favorite places).
• When you begin the process of cleaning out the closets, it is a process. In our case, the situation required that we exit the space immediately. A group of us banded together the next three days to collect, donate, gift and store many of her most precious items. For us, going through her closet, though difficult, made us proud to pass on to dear family and friends items of clothing that my sister would have liked for us to have and share.
• Finally, funeral services and cremations cost. If there is no life insurance policy or death benefit, the costs of those arrangements fall directly upon the family. Sadly, there are no layaway plans. Funerals can bankrupt a family. Those expenses may include the unexpected ones like the urn for the ashes, permit for scattering ashes, memory cards, flowers, interment fees, etc. Allow family and friends to help with those expenses. When folks ask how they can help, tell them. Every little bit can and will help.