Picking your BATTLES

Being strong doesn’t always mean you have to fight the battle.  True strength is being adult enough to walk away from the nonsense with your head held high.

Janette Minxy

I was fearless, as a kid.  Throughout my adolescence and teen years, I battled my parent’s authority and choices of punishments.  I argued with teachers and deans about my academic options.  I fought for the underdogs and stood up against the bullies.  Many times, I believed those battles were completely justified while fuming in my righteous indignation.  In fact, my parents were sure I would put my argumentative nature to good use and pursue the legal profession.  At first, it wasn’t such a bad idea but then as I was living out my twenties, I realized my limitations.   Arguing every argument was losing its allure and especially draining of my energy. 

As you know, life has a way of teaching you lessons the easy or the hard way.  I am notorious for learning my lessons the hard way.  Whether they are trials by fire or hitting my head against a concrete wall, I was and still am kicking and screaming along the way.  Nevertheless, I celebrate my growth when I strategically choose the battles to fight.  It is all about being selective of the problems, arguments, and confrontations that will not take a toll against my time, effort, and emotions.  Rule of thumb:  Fight the battles that matter most.  In my adulthood, I have experienced the most intense battles in relationships with myself and others and in my professional career.   Below are a few examples and recommendations.  Hopefully, they will help you to choose your battles worth fighting.

Where does it all start?

Star Wars is one of my favorite sources for thoughtful and inspired life lessons and wisdom.  If you’re like me, I am a huge fan of the sage Jedi Master, Yoda.  During a conversation with young Anakin Skywalker, Yoda instructs the lad with this truth, “Fear is the path to the dark side … fear leads to anger …  anger leads to hate … hate leads to suffering.” — “The Phantom Menace,” 1999. 

Fear and anger are at the core of 99.9% of all battles and senseless wars.  Think about it!  There is not one single battle you have faced in your life, where at the root of it was either a response or reaction to fears and anger of those associated with the situation.  Fear is a natural, powerful, and primitive emotion.  Fear alerts us to the presence of danger or the threat of harm, whether that danger is physical or psychological.  Fear can incite unwarranted action or cripple us from moving forward. Fear is first cousin to anger.  No matter how fear manifests, anger will soon follow. You may feel frustration, shame, or helplessness. No matter how bruised the ego, anger will rise to the surface. Thereby, anger is the easiest emotion to misuse and sadly, easily misused.  Anger can turn the most timid person into a monster.  Life experiences and changing circumstances can impact our emotional thresholds.  Yet, if you think about it, it takes almost nothing to scare or anger us.  Admittedly, it took longer for me to love than to fear or be angered by another.    How is it easier to go to war and make enemies than to share and care for another? Why is that? Is it because we’re scared of appearing weak or less than? Is it because we are still holding on to unresolved anger? Learning to deal with fear and anger wisely will help to manage the battles we wage within and with others outside our circle. 

There are consequences of battles mis-fought.  Heading into battles too quickly is one.  Jumping onto the battle bandwagon comes from misplaced or misused emotions.  Intense feelings of fear, anger, and hate are significant drivers of unnecessary battles.  No one wins in a battle fueled by these intense emotions.  Personally, I have rammed headfirst into battles fueled by the fears of the subjugated individual(s) or energized by my own anger-laden opinions with those in authority.  Nothing good comes out of those battles.  All that remains are even more misplaced feelings, misunderstood facts, and a sore head.

Speaking of facts, what are the facts?  Do you have all the details?  How many times have you stood ready to attack and did not know the full scope of what and why you were in the battle, in the first place? I have. I allowed my loyalty and ride or die characteristic rule over logic. On more than one occasion, I was embarrassed by how I was manipulated and ultimately defeated. My father used to say, “There are three sides to every story – Yours, Mine, and the Truth”.  The persons involved in the situation (theirs and yours) will risk your reputation and ego and possibly taint their version of the story to “look good”.  Ask yourself, why would you willingly place your integrity, your reputation, or other most valuable self-asset in the line of fire for another without knowing all there is to know about the battle or the true enemy? You’ll be surprised at who really is the identified enemy in the battle once you take to beat to think and listen. The truth will eventually prevail.  It may take some time, but it is so worth it to take a minute to breathe and back off. 

To satisfy my warrior princess spirit, there are only three areas of my life worth fighting for. They may be different for you. Whatever it is; identify those non-negotiables worthy of defending in battle. Sticks and stones be damned. I will always stand in opposition against those who come to demean…

• My character; related to my integrity, loyalty, and grit
• My reputation; related to my work ethic, responsibility, and punctuality
• My faith; related to my relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

When I consider my marriage and long running romantic relationships, I candidly accept my part in the way I handled the other person.  In my naivete, I placed greater importance in being right over being righteous in my behavior toward the other. My family relationships and friendships have suffered greatly because I either tip-toed around or ignored tough subject matters or confronted issues thoughtlessly.  In my pursuit for peace of mind in building healthy relationships, I have had to consider each battle-like situation in the following ways:

• Take time to think about the situation.
• Consider the context.
• Is it a battle or a conversation?
• Confront the fear of fighting as a way of avoiding the conversation.
• Do not dismiss your feelings.
• Is it worth it?

In my professional career, I have had to face multiple battles.  Whether fighting against the office bureaucracy or with my peers, confrontations are unavoidable.  There are differences in the way I approach a task or in the ways I work with others.  I cannot tell you how often I have taken issue with inappropriate behavior from senior staff or addressed the differing work ethics of my peers or taken the blame for an incomplete assignment to protect the team. Again, I had to learn the hard way. Learn the culture of the office and the people with whom you work will lend to you great understanding into how to maneuver your day in the workplace. That way, your understanding of what you’re getting into will prevail over the desire to battle your way up the ladder of success. Even today, I openly admit that the work, skills and labor involved was never the problem. I am excellent at what I do. The greatest obstacle has been and always will be with the people. And with every challenge it cannot start and end in and with a battle. Therefore, I had to learn the following concepts in order to maintain my professional sanity.  I offer these to you.

• Use discernment.  Wisely consider the who, what, why, and how of the situation.
• Identify the “safe” person with whom to discuss your concerns or simply vent.
• Ask for guidance – you don’t know it all.
• Agree to disagree.
• Take the high road.
• Stand your ground.
• Develop a plan of action.
• Don’t let your emotions to fester.

The common denominator of any battle you are involved in is YOU.  Begin now, if you haven’t already, a deep soul search.  Explore your inner self and what drives your proclivity towards your “battle spirit”.  By no means, am I suggesting you roll up into a ball and avoid confrontations but I am advising you to pursue self-exploration. Ask yourself what is the motivation which drives you to want to battle against “fill in __________ the blank”. Why do you believe the problem can only be solved in the form of a battle? How differently will your life be (and that of the other person(s) once the dust has settled following a battle? My AHA moment – my greatest achievement was avoiding the battle and my strengths were actualized with rationality and logic. When you can identify your strengths, you too may consider allowing those gifts to lead the way toward resolving issues.  In the meantime, give some time to examine and esteem your soul in the following ways.  These may very well help you to first win the battle with your-SELF.

• I am a warrior.  Embrace it and believe it!
• Know yourself; i.e., strengths and limitations.
• Have zero expectations; that way you cannot be disappointed.  This also applies to your relationships with family and friends.
• You’re not perfect:  Accept it!
• Believe in yourself.
• Choose the slow and steady road to success.
• Stop making assumptions.

Where it comes to an end?

Pick your battles.  You don’t have to show up to every argument you’re invited to.

Mandy Hale

Make sure you pick and choose which battles to fight because some aren’t yours to fight. 

Unknown

Battles are inescapable and a part of the human existence.  Like change, battles are predictable, and they will happen.  Yet, as we maneuver this life, it is even more important to manage which battles to fight.  Your faith in God, who is the Author and Finisher of your peace of mind, is all the strength you need to confront the battles you are compelled to fight.  I will tell you that even after you battle that spouse, manager or police officer over a ticket, you may think you have made some headway but its full resolution comes from your faith and belief in what God can do. I guarantee God will never have you fight a battle alone and one with no fundamental purpose or value.  Throughout Scripture, in no time did Jesus ever confront a battle for Himself but always on behalf of others.  Jesus got angry but he did not allow that anger lead to sin – cussing, screaming, battling and blood shed.  Jesus did not satisfy His selfish inclinations.  I admit I have stepped into battles just to soothe my personal preferences.  Instead, God commands me – us – we to do and be better.  To be better takes work.  To be better is a lonely place.  If you are going into battle, win!  To win the battle you must know your enemy; whether on this earth or of the spirit-realm variety.  Learn how to defeat them.  God says we are to armed with kindness, perseverance, gratitude, humility, wisdom, truth, and hard work are excellent pieces of body armor.  Those are just a few weapons to have at your disposal to confront the “enemies” of life. The Bible says, “…then after the battle you will still be standing firm”. This passage is loaded with implications and meaning. First, it reinforces the truth there will be battles you will have to face. Second, you will have to endure the battle. Third, there is an end to the battle and its final result is that doing it God’s way and taking the high road, ensures you will still stand firm. Most importantly, have a plan of action for your quiet time and your thoughts.  Learn your enemy. Understand all there is to know about why this person or this situation is confronting you now and at this particular time. Once you have a full-scope comprehension of the situation, the strategy for success will prevail. Trust me, with God you will win!

…now what, Linda.