Sadness is an emotional pain associated with, or characterized by, feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, grief, helplessness, disappointment, and sorrow.
As of the writing of this post, I will be honoring the one-year anniversary of my sister’s passing on June 11, 2020. Like many of the millions of Americans who lose their loved ones in death, the profound sadness and grief reawakens particularly at birthdays, Mother’s or Father’s Day, or anniversaries. During the time of remembering, you will experience anger, anxiety, crying spells, depression, fatigue, lack of energy, guilt, loneliness, pain, sadness, and difficulty sleeping. I felt and still feel now some variations of these emotions and symptoms. Some will be more significant than others, but I promise you time will help to make it easier to handle. No matter what the loss of your special someone, it is deep and profoundly personal.
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal… love leaves a memory no one can steal.”
Anonymous
Confession: Had it not been for my faith in the Lord and the laughter with my family and friends, I simply would not have made it this far. For many Believers, including myself, I questioned why a loving God would allow my heart to be split in two. At the moment of getting the call, I did not shed a tear, but I did call out, “Father, why now?” As I mentioned in my earlier post on Loss is Real (click here for a quick refresher), I was aware of the two sure things in existence – life and death. But it is not until you are confronted with the death will you realize how unprepared you are with how to react or respond to it. I realized months later, the key is the relationship God wants me to have with Him. He desires that I trust Him just as He can trust me to handle this hurt. One year later, I believe God knew I would not dishonor my relationship with Him or my sister by not using this experience to help others. God allowed this experience to happen to grow me up. He wants to be sure my reliance on my sister to be my advocate not take the place of who HE is in my life as Advocate. God wants to be certain my affirmations of who I am as a big sister, helper, friend, etc. come from Him. In fact, God trusted me far more than I thought He would. It took the death of my sister, to draw me closer to God and to the things He would want me to do to help and serve others. God does not make mistakes. God certainly does allow things to occur without a purpose. My response to this heartache not only reminds me of how merciful and gracious God is to me and my family but also how it brings Him glory. Not only shall I celebrate the God of all creation and new beginnings but also acknowledge the objective and significance of what ends and passing of the life He started in the first place.
The Bible compares death to sleep more than fifty times. After death we are asleep, we are unconscious; we are not aware of the passing of time or of what is going on around us. That is what death is like as well. The Bible says, “for the living know that they will die; but the dead know nothing… their love, their hatred, and their envy have now perished” (Ecclesiastes 9:5, NKJV, see also Psalm 146:4; 115:17).
Describing the creation of human beings in the beginning, the Bible says, “Then the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man’s nostrils, and the man became a living person” (Genesis 2:7, NLT). God did not put a soul into man. He formed the body from the dust of the ground, and then He breathed His life-giving spirit into the lifeless body—and the result was a soul, or a living being. When a person dies, the reverse takes place. The breath of life departs from the body, and the soul no longer exists. That is what the Bible says. “For then the dust will return to the earth, and the spirit will return to God who gave it.” (Ecclesiastes 12:7, NLT). At the resurrection, God reunites the body and His life-giving spirit—and the person lives again. In spite of all this, I still confront the daily realities of my circumstance. And, it is tough!
One year later, I miss my sister, Wanda Ivette more now than ever. Perhaps my mind and heart are processing through the reality that she is not on the other end of the phone. Perhaps because I am tapping into rekindled memories. Though I have recordings of her voicemails and saved her texts, nothing on this present earth can take the place of hearing her speak to me in real time. I cannot tell you how often I have had to stop in mid-dial to realize I cannot speak to my sister about what happened that day or week. I especially miss her calling me at 2:00am (NY-LA time difference) as she was either waking up to go to work or coming back from a party. Oh my…the stories she would tell! Isn’t it self-serving to consider our loved one is no longer around to (fill in _______ the blank) for us? Take the time to recall the funny, happier, memorable things your loved one left behind. More than anything my sister left as her legacy her fearlessness and strength. She lived life without a safety net. She pulled no punches and she ducked no smoke. Life was short and she lived it on her terms.
As you and I sort out how to live life forward without your special loved one, you will realize your body, mind, spirit, and soul will reveal innovative ways to protect and heal itself. This year, on her birthday, I bought a bottle of Hennessy and drank a bit (okay…a lot) in her honor. And on this anniversary, my family decided to remember her in a balloon release ceremony. We kept it tight with her children, siblings, and my mommy. We listened to music, shared scriptures, memories, and her daughter read a poem her mom wrote. This very uncomplicated and elegant observance reflected the nature of who my sister was – very straightforward, unfussy, and free-spirited.
I imagine there are a lot of ways to grieve the loved ones in your life who have died. For me, it was crying. At the mention of her name or a memory, I would break into tears. Crying is the body’s way to not only reduce emotional stress but also process it. There are so many times when my emotions are held back, by swallowing or holding back the tears, it seems all that emotional energy gets congested in my body. All of your pent-up energy will explode and manifest itself in some harmful ways. I urge you to find the best healthy way to release emotional stress. Daily prayer time, walking, running, gardening, music, cleaning, cooking, or some other activity will allow you the chance to release the pressures of your unexpressed emotions. Starting this blog and sharing my personal stories was one of the ways in which to best honor my sister and help decompress from the tensions of losing her. Checking in on my niece and nephew and observing their growth into adulthood is the greatest gift. It really is like watching my sister all over again. Not only do they look like her, but they also often express a mannerism or say something (good and bad or right and wrong) with the same inflection as Wanda did. These kids are truly a reflection of the best and brightest of my sister.
As you maneuver through this life-marking milestone, here are a few things I learned this past year:
- Do not put pressure on yourself to feel better or move on because other people think you should.
- Grief is a fickle thing.
- Grief/Sadness does not magically appear and disappear at various times. Reminders are inevitable.
- Loss unfolds in layers and over time.
- Beware…Anniversaries and Birthdays are triggers!
So how do I handle or deal with reawakened grief on anniversaries and birthdays? Great question. Here is what I did. Hope it helps you.
- Get prepared.
- The anniversary and birthday come every year. Use the date as a healing time for yourself and your family.
- Plan distractions.
- On those special days, plan a road trip, go for a hike, cook their favorite meal, and share with family and friends.
- Reminisce.
- My sister was always on the move. Whether working or at play, my sister did not rest. She worked through colds, twisted ankles, and headaches. She slept to either rest up for work or the next activity. Her strong work-ethic is admirable and no-nonsense approach to life are examples I try to emulate now in my life.
- Begin a new tradition.
- Health and Wellness is something I am greatly involved in now. I smile as I write this, God has a way of sending you friends or strangers to hold you accountable for the new things you uncover and do as part of your daily routine.
- Connect.
- My sister’s illness brought my brother and I together and by extension his lovely wife and kids. Our connection is made stronger by our memories and experiences with her. Wanda was the middle of us; each with our own separate distinct relationship which we can now share. It’s a beautiful relationship getting to know my brother in a brand-new light. Now I have found connection with my sister-in-love; who I believe Wanda sent to me. She’s a mother, sister, daughter, friend, and today one of the most genuine people I know. I love her for how she stepped in to be my “Seester” during the most sensitive times. She is precious to me in so many ways. You will be amazed at who God sends your way to connect and foster reconciliation and comfort when you need it most.
- Allow yourself to feel emotions.
- Need I say more? This is my favorite one. You can cry, scream, laugh – do it all! Those are your emotions. They are meant to be felt. You are not alone. Thank God for tears, trials, and therapy. Talk to someone who can help you ride this emotion roller coaster.
My friends, you will go through storms and seasons. Some will hurt and others will bless you beyond your wildest imaginations. AND as in all storms and seasons, they will eventually come to an end and pass. Come to realize this piece of wisdom; there is a Time for Everything.
…now what, Linda.
now what, Linda? 