PATIENCE…And where can I get some? Part 2

Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.

Joyce Meyer, TV Minister & Teacher

Since my last post, a most poignant and life-changing experience occurred.  My mother relocated to my home in sunny California.  The reasons are unclear.  My brother, with whom she had been living these last eight years with his wife and family in Florida, called me on February 27.  By March 12, I was picking her up from the airport.  

Again, the explanation(s) are vague.  I stress this point because there is some real reconciliation and compromise, I must find intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally.  Since I am not yet satisfied with the rationale of this kind of move at this juncture in my mother’s life, I am forced to pay more attention to how this move will impact my life and thus affect my ability to live. Patience being what it is – the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset – is challenged when one does not have all the variables, unaware of the whole story, or unsure of the future. 

I am challenged in the areas of patience and self-control because I was determined to remain in control.  Which means, I must know all the ins and outs of the situation before committing to it.  As much as I want to know all the details, in the case of my mother moving to live with me, I must surrender to “not knowing”. You might be asking, “is that important to know those things?” Knowing provides perspective. It may not mean that to you, but it does mean a great deal to me.  Which is where I struggle with control.  You may be asking, “Well, what about your mom?  She must have to adjust to this change, too?”  Incidentally, it is my mom’s feelings that I am taking into great consideration and is influencing how patient I am with her.

Patience is an exercise in Self-Control  

It has taken me a very long time to understand this verse found in Proverbs 16:32(NLT) “Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city”.  Attaining power, enacting power in life conditions, intimating others with power all can yield results, but they are all short-term.  However, there is a direct correlation between how patient a person is and how truly powerful he or she is. It takes great self-control and power to show restraint and patience in life. Patience and self-control go together. A patient person will display a great deal of self-control.

Solomon the son of David, wrote the Book of Proverbs. Solomon was the son of a king. King David was a warrior, soldier, and most respected in his kingdom. David also made A LOT of mistakes. Nevertheless, he still humbly accepted the consequences of his errors and begged God’s forgiveness.  His son, Solomon must have been around to observe such mistakes and the changes that needed to be made.  In turn, when it was time for Solomon to become King, I believe he tapped into his memory of what his father went through.  He was obedient to the charge his father made to him on his death bed – “Be strong and courageous and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished”.  With all this mental ammo at Solomon’s disposal, the verses found in Proverbs are just a few of the most wise and knowledgeable that can be applied to all aspects of life. Which is why it makes sense to pay attention to his thoughts about patience and self-control.

Check your attitude at the door!

The habits we develop, ability to regulate emotions, and our expectations in a given situation all affect our capacity to respond with patience, as do situational variables like whether we’re overtired, ill, hungry, stressed, or, even, overheated. Just because you tend to be patient in one of these categories of situations doesn’t mean you’ll be patient in all. For example, just because you’re the type of person that can patiently listen to your friend’s every relationship freak out, doesn’t mean you’re the type of person who isn’t going to get irked when you show up to find an unusually long line at the post office.

Research indicates that family members and friends who have close relationships may be more patient, understanding, and empathetic with each other. If your relationship is not as close—you may have less of these qualities. However, time and situational events can affect patience levels.  Admittedly, this is the case for me and my mom. I have accepted this is the case of our reality and I am not setting any expectations that things will change overnight, if at all.

I have recognized that I must check my attitude and feelings. I am taking deep breaths and slowly counting 1-2-3-4-5 before I respond to my mother.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not.  But I have never appreciated counting as much as I do right now!  I have also been relying on my girlfriends to act as buffers for me.  They have been so engaged with how sweet and charming she is with them, it allows me a break to breathe and appreciate the quiet, I crave. 

All in all, it is about recognizing her version of world through her eyes. I have committed to not hold an attitude (or grudge) against something that occurred decades ago. During casual conversation, it appears that she doesn’t recall much. Therefore, I must surrender those experiences and its emotions to God and seek healing and reconciliation through Him. Managing emotions related to patience and control is not easy at all. I am figuring it out as I go. I am not suggesting that it will be a walk in the park even for the closest of mother/daughter relationships.  In my case, it is made harder because I am getting to learn my mother in this vulnerable stage in her life and she is “learning” me, as an adult. It is difficult to hear her share her interpretation of our stories because there are gaps in the timeline, and it is hard to follow. It is in those times that I share my stories with her – without judgement and emotionality. I pack up the disappointments, sadness, and anger and take them to the altar during my meditation/prayer time with God. I let Him hear me out! Additionally, I am immensely grateful for the many friends God has sent my way to as interference and confidents during this phase in my life. 

Key word is TRUST

Whatever you’re waiting for, don’t give up! Whatever goal you wish to accomplish, don’t give up!  Whatever relationship you wish to resurrect or heal, don’t give up! Because as you develop patience, you’ll begin to enjoy yourself, your life, and other people more than ever before. And you’ll discover that all the good things God has for you are worth the wait. Walking by faith means we make a conscious decision to do things God’s way and trust Him to do what we cannot do. This requires patience on our part, because many times He doesn’t do what we think He should do, the way we think He should do it, or when we think it should happen.  It’s much better to patiently wait for God to lead us – in His way and His timing – than to take matters into our own hands, trying to make things happen that we can’t really change anyway.

I have heard TV Minister and Teacher Joyce Meyer say, “Don’t take action on your own and then expect God to bless it. When we move in the strength of our own flesh, we end up frustrated, confused and sometimes, we’re even embarrassed by how we’ve behaved.”

The truth is, we gain a lot of benefits as we learn to trust God and go through the hard times with patience.

Be assured that the testing of your faith [through experience] produces endurance [leading to spiritual maturity, and inner peace]. And let endurance have its perfect result and do a thorough work, so that you may be perfect and completely developed [in your faith], lacking in nothing. — James 1:3-4 (AMP)

…now what, Linda